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Jewish World Review March 27, 2003 / 23 Adar II, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Smithsonian will showcase the Bob Hope political joke collection for his centennial in May. He donated ten thousand radio scripts and monologues to the national museum. Over the years, only the voters have sent more jokes to Washington.

The Oklahoma Senate will debate a bill Thursday to create a voter-approved statewide lottery in an attempt to raise money for education. Lottery prizes are getting out of hand. First prize in the Massachusetts lottery is Rhode Island.

New York Yankee David Wells refused to pose for Sports Illustrated with his team Tuesday. He just wrote a book about his drinking exploits. David Wells is merely the latest example that Yankee Stadium is the Halfway House that Ruth Built.

Pete Rose wasn't allowed to attend Monday's Cincinnati Reds home opener by his new business manager. Here's a guy with his work cut out for him. Pete Rose was last spotted at the ATM asking the machine if it wanted to go double or nothing.

New Orleans is hosting the Final Four of the NCAA basketball tournament next week. It should be very patriotic. Due to world tension, fans will refuse to say they got drunk in the French Quarter, they will only admit to getting Freedom Fried.

Operation Iraqi Freedom doubled the pizza home delivery business in America last week. The whole country is addicted to watching war coverage on the couch. Domino's is now promising to deliver your pizza within thirty sorties or it's free.

U.S. troops captured Iraqis in Nasiriya Tuesday and tied their wrists with duct tape. This was ingenious. They've only been in Iraq for a week and already they've found the only way duct tape will prevent a chemical attack from killing everybody.

Baghdad was helped by desert windstorms and heavy thunderstorms and sleet up in the north on Tuesday. It was a meteorological freak show. The weather vanes were spinning like Senator John Kerry whenever Passover falls on St. Patrick's Day.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton