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Jewish World Review Dec. 19, 2002 / 14 Teves, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Trent Lott was hammered Tuesday from the left by civil rights activists and from the right by old enemies in the Senate. Only a magician could escape from this death trap. His wife just gave him a bracelet inscribed What Would Clinton Do?

Spike Lee told ABC's Good Morning America Tuesday that Senator Trent Lott is a card-carrying member of the Ku Klux Klan. That's ridiculous. David Duke would name his son Spike Lee Duke before he apologized on Black Entertainment Television.

The Pentagon deployed twenty ABM missiles in Alaska Monday for defense. Yet three tests of the system have failed. Apparently the missiles belong to the government worker's union because you can't fire them and you can't make them work.

Southern California was slammed by a winter rainstorm Monday causing mudslides and heralding the return of El Nino. The damage from these storms is legendary. Many of the mansions in Malibu are split-level, but they didn't start out that way.

McDonald's reported its first quarterly loss in the restaurant chain's history Tuesday. It's justice. McDonald's has so contributed to obesity in young people that it will take U.S. soldiers twice as long to overrun Iraq as it did ten years ago.

North Carolina Senator John Edwards took his wife to Al Gore's book signing in Raleigh Monday. He's hoping to get Gore's endorsement for president. Al just needs another 150,000 Democrats to get into the race and he will have a bestseller.

Al Gore's decision not to run for president in 2004 caused Democrats Tuesday to urge Hillary Clinton to run against President Bush. The other five candidates are Lieberman, Kerry, Dean, Edwards and Sharpton. If they were cards, you would fold.

President Bush met the president of Spain in the Oval Office Wednesday. Nobody expects the talks to make much progress. We simply have to accept that relations with Spain will never be as good as they were when Don Juan was in the White House.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton