Jewish World Review March 31, 2003 / 27 Adar II, 5763
important news ....
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Head of State came out Friday starring Chris Rock as President of the United States. The comedian did research for the role last year by following Bill Clinton everywhere. Anybody can run a country, he needed to learn how to get the big laughs.
Robert Blake pleaded not guilty in Los Angeles County Court Thursday morning to the murder of his wife. He will come out of this smelling like a rose. Under California law, if you do not have a publicist, the court will provide one for you.
United Airlines' pilots union agreed Thursday to labor concessions totaling one billion dollars. It was a desperate bid to avoid another airline bankruptcy. They agreed to less pay, reduced benefits, and watered-down Scotch in the pilots lounge.
Kuwait was awakened Friday when a missile hit a shopping mall in the middle of the night. Investigators can't tell if the missile is Chinese, Russian, Iraqi or North Korean. It landed in the food court and there's ethnic food stuck all over it.
Saddam Hussein was shown in a grainy video in Baghdad on Thursday. It's just impossible to tell if he's dead or alive from his appearances on television. Wayne Newton has an insurance commercial running and no one's sure about him either.
The Air Force said Friday it successfully tested a new missile that can fly right through the door or window of a house. It's being rushed into production for use in the war on terrorism. This is John Ashcroft's idea of a no-knock warrant.
France announced Friday it has adopted a new color-coded terrorism alert. It starts at yellow, goes to orange, then to red and all the way up to scarlet. In other words, the French response to terrorism ranges from cowardly to embarrassed.
President Bush and Tony Blair debated Thursday who will get the contracts to rebuild Iraq. They're a little ahead of themselves. The two leaders just got a call from Bill Buckner urging them to pay attention to what's right in front of them.
U.S. Marines battled a miserable dust storm near Baghdad Thursday. They learned the area was once a swamp until Saddam drained it in the 1970s. Maybe Democrats will get behind this war now that it's known Saddam Hussein tampered with wetlands.
United Way dropped Susan Sarandon from a Florida event because locals refused to give her a platform for her anti-war views. What a mistake. If they suspended her platform over a water tank they could raise millions by playing Dunk the Liberal.
Martin Sheen led a protest in L.A. Wednesday, carrying a cross and wearing duct tape over his mouth that he refused to rip off for two long hours. He described it as a real learning experience. He doesn't know how women put up with that waxing.
Sen. Robert Byrd grilled Don Rumsfeld Thursday about the $75 billion requested to wage war in Iraq. The president wants a free hand spending it. For that right, he may have to plant the Confederate flag in Baghdad and rename the country Byrdistan.
Washington hosted a meeting of the nation's mayors Thursday. They complained that Homeland Security is costing them $70 million a week. They could raise the money easily, but they're too embarrassed to propose an eight percent local tax on cocaine sales.
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