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Jewish World Review Jan. 27, 2003 / 24 Shevat, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Super Bowl used cameras armed with facial recognition technology to keep criminals out of the stadium. Thank goodness they didn't put one at the players' entrance. It would have been a pretty dull game if the Raiders couldn't field a team.

Commissioner Paul Tagliabue said the NFL might change its overtime format at the next league meeting. There are many complaints about sudden death. On the other hand, Georgia Frontiere wouldn't own the Rams if her husband hadn't drowned.

President Bush will give his State of the Union address Tuesday before a joint session of Congress. It's terrific theater. The gallery will be packed with interested observers who have no say in the government, but the Democrats have to sit somewhere.

Hillary Clinton launched a blistering attack on the government's anti-terror program Friday. She said she's learned domestic security is a myth. There was a time when she thought a vasectomy and a $12 million book deal would keep him at home.

GOP Senator Orrin Hatch said Friday he may eliminate the traditional blue slips that let senators block home state judicial nominees. Blue slips are highly controversial. You would think with so many Democratic senators running for president, they'd be grateful to have the lingerie removed from their desk drawers.

Puerto Rico's former House Speaker was convicted last week of corruption for selling a public hospital. In addition to all the graft, the islanders receive full U.S. protection but pay no federal income taxes. It's known as the Pete Rose Plan.

The U.S. Supreme Court agreed to decide if a Los Angeles high school student's poetry is criminal for its violent prose. The young man's parents were shocked when they were told of their son's arrest. They had no idea he could read and write.

The Barrett Jackson Antique Auto Show and Auction in Scottsdale attracted over four hundred thousand classic car fans last week. Some of these classics are breathtakingly beautiful. If you've never seen a 1938 Mercedes Benz 770K, it may finally explain the cheering crowds that always turned out for Hitler's parades.

St. Louis Rams owner Georgia Frontiere expressed no opposition Monday to a new NFL team moving into her former territory in Los Angeles. The former nightclub singer has had nine husbands. Two more, and she will qualify for an expansion team herself.

President Bush held up ten fingers when asked by reporters Thursday how long Iraq has to disarm before the U.S. attacks. His impatience is obvious. When asked if that meant ten months, ten weeks or ten days, he answered Nine, Eight, Seven, Six....

France threatened on Tuesday to veto any Security Council proposal to attack Iraq. That's gratitude for you. We should donate shade trees to Paris to plant along the Champs-Elysee so the Germans won't have to march in the sun next time.

Great Britain was alarmed Friday when plastic bags containing anthrax washed up on a beach. Not everyone's frightened of the powder. If anthrax were to wash up in Beverly Hills, we would immediately inject it into wrinkles to see if it helps.

Don Rumsfeld said last Sunday he would like to arrange for Saddam Hussein to leave office in exchange for immunity from future prosecution. The good news is, he's made this exact same arrangement before. The bad news is, Jerry Ford's not going to make the same mistake twice.

The Pentagon is flying spy planes over Iraq to record the phone conversations of all the top Iraqi officials. They say the calls are getting more hysterical by the day. You know how it is, so many girlfriends, so little room in the bomb shelters.

Treasury Secretary nominee John Snow was discovered Tuesday to have been arrested once for drunk driving. He was also sued for not paying child support. John Snow could wind up becoming the first Treasury Secretary ever elected to the NBA Hall of Fame.

Fidel Castro and millions of fellow Cubans voted in Communist Party national elections last Sunday. All six hundred candidates for Parliament ran unopposed. An optimist is anybody in Havana who stays up late to see how the election came out.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton