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Jewish World Review March 3, 2003 / 30 Adar I, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Robert Blake was interviewed by Barbara Walters Wednesday from his jail cell in Los Angeles. He shouted his innocence and he cried and he pleaded into the camera to his infant daughter. Everyone agrees it was a nice break from reality TV.

Jesse Jackson said Thursday he will picket the Masters in April over Augusta National's all-male membership policy. No one thinks the club will cave in to Jesse Jackson. It's widely believed that Robert Blake will pay alimony before that happens.

Dan Rather discussed his Saddam Hussein interview Thursday. He said he would now like to interview North Korea's leader Kim Jong Il. In the cutthroat world of TV journalism, it's not easy trying to stay one lunatic ahead of Barbara Walters.

The AFL-CIO convention meeting in Florida Thursday passed a resolution which opposes a U.S. war against Iraq. It's understandable. Saddam Hussein is a corrupt and ruthless criminal, and naturally the Teamsters could never kill one of their own.

New York Yankees pitcher David Wells released his rollicking autobiography on Thursday. He admitted he was drunk when he threw a perfect game five years ago. He couldn't think of any other way to get his teammates to carry him off the field.

New Orleans restaurant owners blamed slow Mardi Gras business Friday on the U.S. economy. It's bad everywhere. About the only way to get a dot com millionaire out of his penthouse in San Francisco is to break down the door and turn off the gas.

The U.S. government denied Thursday that its new airline passenger screening system employs racial profiling. It decides whether each passenger is a red, yellow or green risk. You had better not be in any hurry if you are Indian, Asian or airsick.

The Pentagon said U.S. troops are protected from chemical attack in Iraq. They will be wearing chemical suits that cover them from head to toe. The biggest danger is that Iraqi soldiers might mistake them for chicks and try to pick them up.

Saddam Hussein sent a letter to U.N. Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix Thursday. The good news is that Iraq has agreed in principle to destroy all its long-range Al Samoud 2 missiles. The bad news is, the principle is What Goes Up, Must Come Down.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai came to the White House seeking more financial aid. He swore he's still looking for Osama bin Laden. It's the most relentless manhunt since O.J. Simpson went golf course to golf course looking for the real killer.

Rio de Janeiro hosted its annual Carnival party all weekend. Everyone drinks and kisses and dances topless and throws money around. Americans have to fly to Brazil to see this because the Bill Clinton Presidential Library hasn't opened yet.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton