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Jewish World Review August 12, 2003 / 14 Menachem-Av, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The White House announced Friday that discussions are underway with Colombia for a free trade agreement with the United States. It's a risky strategy. Cheaper crack could accidentally stimulate the California economy and save Gray Davis's job.

Maria Shriver went on leave from NBC Dateline Friday. She is bracing herself for tales about her husband's womanizing. With each revelation, Hillary Clinton will be right there telling her to breathe deeply and think about the book advance.

Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared on the Internet Friday in old pictures of him with naked women. No one's sure who leaked them. It could be Gray Davis trying to discredit Arnold or it could be Arnold trying to take votes away from Larry Flynt.

Arnold Schwarzenegger began his campaign for California governor Friday. The reaction wasn't all positive. North Vietnam heard him on the radio promising victory and sounded air raid sirens until they could be sure it wasn't Henry Kissinger.

Gray Davis demanded Tuesday that ethanol be removed from California gasoline because it pollutes the air. Is he trying to kill business? There's nothing like autumn in Los Angeles when throngs of tourists come to watch the smog change colors.

Dennis Rodman was cleared by a California jury Friday of drugging and raping a woman at home in Newport Beach. He's right on schedule. It used to be that NBA players wanting to come back had to pass a physical, now they need an acquittal.

Kobe Bryant was given a two month delay for his preliminary hearing in Eagle County Wednesday. It's exactly what his defense team wanted. After the hearing, Kobe Bryant's attorneys celebrated by circling and then eating a school of mackerel.

Al Sharpton told Iowa he's ignored by the news media because he's black. The contest for coverage is fierce. Al Sharpton could ask every woman who works at the check-in desk for a tour of the hotel but John Kerry's always there ahead of him.

Kentucky firefighters battled a blaze at the Jim Beam warehouse in Bardstown this past week. They had to turn their hoses on eight hundred thousand gallons of bourbon. After three days the whiskey was so watered down it could only be sold in Las Vegas.

American Airlines pilots demanded the government expand the handgun training program to all pilots. They feel defenseless the way things are. Those tequila shooters they have in the cockpit are no defense at all against an observant Muslim.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton