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Jewish World Review June 17, 2002 / 7 Tamuz, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Al Gore was stopped twice by airport security last week and subjected to an intimate pat-down and luggage inspection. It wasn't personal. The bell goes off if you are a male traveling alone, from the Middle East, or claim to be Al-Anything.

President Bush spoke to graduating seniors at Ohio State Friday. He urged them to reach out to the lonely, the abused, the addicted and the illiterate. There may not be any jobs in the steel industry, but Los Angeles can always use another talent agent.

The Los Angeles Lakers swept to another NBA title Wednesday. Fear of looting was palpable. Store windows were boarded up, streets were blocked off, and patrol cars followed Winona Ryder on a slow-speed shopping spree down Wilshire Boulevard.

Winona Ryder pleaded not guilty to shoplifting and drug charges at the Beverly Hills Courthouse on Friday. If found guilty, the movie star could be sentenced to six months in the Beverly Hills Jail. As you might expect, it's a gated community.

CIA Director George Tenet will be asked by Congress Tuesday if he knew about al-Qaeda intentions before September 11th. That's ridiculous. In today's climate, if he had known anything ahead of time, surely he would have called his stockbroker.

Walt Disney announced Friday it will use all its vast empire to promote its floundering ABC network. All their theme parks will begin plugging ABC-TV shows. The Seven Dwarfs are now Dopey, Happy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Doc, and Ted Koppel.

South Carolina Governor Jim Hodges says he will lie in the road to keep shipments of plutonium from entering his state. The U.S. would then withhold highway and education grants. The Yankees never hesitate to threaten South Carolina with Grant.

Martha Stewart denied Thursday she had insider information when she sold her ImClone stock a day ahead of its crash. Her instincts are uncanny in the market. Just ten years ago, she unloaded her husband at fifty, and today she's worth a fortune.

Senate Democrats vowed Thursday they will investigate missed September 11th attack warnings. The public is anxious for heads to roll. No one can believe that the only thing fired since September 11th is ninety thousand acres in Colorado.

The European Union Parliament was surrounded Tuesday by farmers protesting the U.S. farm bill. It's an incredible windfall for U.S. farmers. They are doing so well they're going to host a telethon this summer to raise money for Willie Nelson.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton