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Jewish World Review March 5, 2002 / 21 Adar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... -- David Letterman is negotiating to replace ABC Nightline with his late night comedy show. It won't go down without a fight. Last night, Ted Koppel asked his make-up artist to make him look even more like Alfred E. Newman than he already does.

Harry Potter broke all records for book sales last year. What's the author's secret? Every three pages, a frightening new scenario is presented to keep you terrified, and, sure enough, Harry's job approval rating never dips below 80 percent.

The FBI placed nuclear radiation sensors at U.S. border positions and at key Washington D.C. sites Sunday. It was reported that a 10-kiloton nuclear weapon may have been smuggled into the U.S. It's so powerful, it could save Californians a fortune in tanning salon bills.

Democrats on Capitol Hill declared Friday that the War on Terrorism will be a failure if we don't get Osama bin Laden. Don't doubt their sincerity. So far, he's the only candidate they've seen that has a shot at defeating George W. Bush.

U.S. Senator John Breaux suggested Saturday the White House send Bill Clinton to Israel as a peace envoy. He's not a good choice. Bill Clinton could never be comfortable in a country which posts the Ten Commandments on every hotel room door.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair received a contaminated letter in the mail at 10 Downing Street Friday from Middle Eastern terrorists. Violence is sure to follow. The IRA is not going to like some other gang moving into their territory.

Iraqi Deputy Prime Minister Tariq Aziz warned America in a French newspaper interview Monday that the United States can expect another Vietnam if it attacks Iraq. That's ridiculous. For one thing, we will never get the Vietnamese to show up.

South Africa's Nelson Mandela emerged from retirement on Saturday to attend a Johannesburg movie premiere. The legendary leader spent twenty-five years in prison before serving in public office. In America, we do it the other way around.

Afghanistan was rocked by a 7.2 earthquake Sunday, sending Kabul residents fleeing pell-mell through the streets. Looting ensued in a city already torn by ethnic strife and rival drug lords. The Los Angeles Marathon has become an international celebration.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton