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Jewish World Review Oct. 16, 2002 / 10 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Sir Anthony Hopkins plays Hannibal Lector in the movie hit Red Dragon. What a performance. The actor is so believable as a sadistic, brutal killer, he is the first Welshman ever to be barred from marching in New York's Columbus Day parade.

The National Health Survey said last week that two-thirds of American adults are either overweight or obese. It's alarming. There's no explaining why we still look so good, other than all the new refrigerators come factory-equipped with tanning bulbs.

The State Department announced Monday it will send objects from its antiques collection on a tour of U.S. museums. What a treasure trove. The antiques include a silver bowl hand-made by Paul Revere, a painting of George Washington, and Bob Dole.

Dick Cheney addressed a rally in Roswell, New Mexico, Monday. What a showman. When he stepped out of Air Force Two looking pale and with wires coming out of his chest, the locals fell to their knees and started selling each other postcards.

Saddam Hussein was re-elected Tuesday by a huge margin in a yes-or-no vote with nobody else on the ballot. He's indestructible. Over the years, only Teddy Kennedy has ever gotten bombed that often and still carried ninety-five percent of the vote.

Bob Torricelli's replacement Frank Lautenberg admitted that New Jersey voters are not happy about how he got onto the ballot. He had the flimsiest reason in history to think he could get away with the switch. He had Bill Clinton's word on it.

Senator Hillary Clinton dipped in approval ratings Monday after she voted in favor of the authorization of force resolution in the U.S. Senate last week. At least she's consistent. Whenever a president asks her to cooperate, she just melts.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton