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Jewish World Review March 17, 2003 / 13 Adar II, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Dixie Chicks told a crowd Friday they are ashamed President Bush is from their state of Texas. They don't know their listeners. Country music fans know that a war in Iraq might have terrible consequences, but it's the only war we've got.

Texas radio stations pulled Dixie Chicks songs off the air Friday after the singers ripped the president. That's show business. Just a week ago, the Dixie Chicks were special to a lot of Americans and today they are a special at Colonel Sanders.

Pete Rose was informed Friday he might be allowed to return to baseball this June. His gambling problem is no secret. When Pete Rose managed the Cincinnati Reds, he had the only lineup card in baseball with Las Vegas odds pre-printed on it.

President Bush and Tony Blair met on a remote island Sunday to avoid anti-war protesters. They can't believe they bothered to go to the U.N. They just learned the wisdom of Nixon's Law which states that it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

President Bush and Tony Blair and Jose Maria Aznar met in the Azores Sunday to hash out a final U.N. resolution. The entry of Spain may end all opposition in Congress. Democrats could never in good conscience take sides against the ancestral home of Don Juan.

Elizabeth Smart was abducted in June by a bearded forty- nine-year-old drifter who brainwashed the teenager and married her. He was on a mission to gather seven wives. He faces charges of false imprisonment, kidnapping, and living in the Sixties.

Elizabeth Smart was abducted nine month ago by hippie drifter Brian Mitchell, who married the girl in a cult ceremony that night. This guy is going to jail. The chances of getting Woody Allen and Roman Polanski to do jury duty are very slim.

The Pacific Stock Exchange in San Francisco on Friday survived an attempt by anti-war demonstrators to shut down all trading on the floor. What's so daring about that? This is California, a sunny day will shut down all trading on the floor.

Saddam Hussein issued eleven cashier's checks totaling $225,000 last week and had them delivered to the eleven families of the most recent Palestinian suicide bombers. What's wrong with him? This guy's spending money like there is no tomorrow.

Sen. John Kerry decided to skip Boston's St. Patrick's Day breakfast on Monday. The Boston Globe just revealed he's Jewish, not Irish. It wasn't confirmed until last night when Pat Buchanan drove by his townhouse and threw a brick through the window.

Don Johnson admitted last week that German border guards found eight billion dollars worth of cash and securities in his car last fall. That was then. Today he would have to fill up his tank in San Francisco to give his car that kind of street value.

Robert Blake was granted bail Thursday after a year in the Los Angeles County jail but he will have to wear a monitoring bracelet. It's so cruel. First they keep him in solitary confinement for an entire year and now he's going to have a tan line.

Southern Californians were reeling on Friday as gas prices hit three dollars per gallon. It's ugly. At one Chevron station, SUV owners protested high prices, peace activists protested any war for oil, and Martha Burk picketed the men's room.

Bill Clinton spoke Thursday to a thousand people gathered at the 92nd Street YMCA on Manhattan's Upper East Side. He knows where to find a crowd that will appreciate him. They lived at the Essex House and the Plaza when he ran the economy.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton