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Jewish World Review August 30, 2002 / 22 Elul, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | James Traficant will be allowed to stay on the November ballot even though he's a prisoner. Election officials said voters are entitled to elect him if they so desire. It's unfair to hold congressmen to a higher standard than we do CPAs.

The St. Louis Rams were listed at Harrah's as favorites to win the Super Bowl this season. They set the tone for today's pass-crazy offenses. The difference between the NFL and Osama bin Laden is that Osama bin Laden still has a running game.

Martin Luther King III demanded the FBI take J. Edgar Hoover's name off their building. He wasn't all bad. If J. Edgar Hoover was still alive, al-Qaeda would be described as a movement whose followers mysteriously disappeared in the early 1990s.

The Pentagon leaked Wednesday that al-Qaeda leaders are being hidden in Iran and in northern Iraq by rebel Kurds. How bad is this news? In his next speech, Dick Cheney is expected to call Saddam Hussein a dangerous man and a valuable ally.

President Bush announced Tuesday he will decide whether to attack Iraq based upon the latest intelligence reports. They're translating as fast as they can. According to the latest intelligence reports, the Soviet Union could fall any day now.

Muslim activist James Ujaama was indicted for planning to set up an al-Qaeda training camp on the West Coast. What a perfect place for a training camp. Who wouldn't be ready to kill somebody after three months of mineral water and alfalfa sprouts?

The State Department will hold a conference on anti- Americanism next week to try to understand why the world hates us. The problem is totally irresolvable. We will go to our deaths clinging to the principle that soccer is not a major sport.

The FBI said the white powder mailed to Al Gore's office isn't anthrax. Agents said preliminary tests came back negative. Al Gore immediately changed his shirt and announced that he's going to turn those negatives around by just being himself.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton