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Jewish World Review June 2, 2003 / 2 Sivan, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The NFL is mulling a proposed stadium site in Carson, California, that's located on a toxic dump downwind from a Los Angeles oil refinery. How would anybody see the football? The smog in Carson is so thick that tourists often mistake it for hillside property.

New York Times star reporter Rick Bragg resigned on Wednesday over a feature story that carried his byline but was reported largely by an unpaid intern. He should know better. Large unpaid interns have brought down bigger fish than him.

Bill Clinton told Boston on Wednesday presidents should be allowed more than two terms in office. He regards presidential terms the same way he regards tee shots and women. You should be able to keep swinging away until you really nail one.

The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce named Hollywood and Vine after Bob Hope on Thursday. He had to issue a statement saying his health is good. He's tired of the California State Treasurer calling his doctor every day to see how he's feeling.

The Library of Congress displayed Bob Hope's donated joke collection on his birthday in the nation's capital. It includes ten thousand monologues from radio and television. Over the years, only the voters have sent more jokes to Washington.

President Bush told French TV Thursday Americans were disappointed by French war opposition. He saw the anger first hand. At the height of the dispute, the Episcopal church he attends in Washington switched to California wines for communion.

The National Spelling Bee was held in Washington, DC Thursday. Pressure on the children was intense as one wrong answer could knock them out of the contest. The losers were escorted into a room where they were given juice and cookies and a lecture from Dan Quayle explaining that no one would ever take them seriously again.

Vladimir Putin hosted President Bush in St. Petersburg for the 300th birthday of the old imperial Russian capital. It has the most lavish palaces ever built. Those czars really knew how to live, they just didn't know how to live very long.

President Bush attended an industrial nations summit in Evian in the French Alps on Sunday. It's only right that they met in a ski resort. Diplomatic relations between the United States and France just set a world record in the Men's Downhill.

Democrat candidate Dennis Kucinich said Friday he will set up a U.S. Department of Peace. He says there is a relationship between stardust and spirit, and when they unite, we are one with the universe. Dennis Kucinich was turned down for a campaign loan because the bank wouldn't accept the voices in his head as references.

California lawmakers considered a bill Friday to limit the use of cell phones in cars. Trying to talk on the phone while driving interferes with make-up, hair, eating breakfast, coffee, and flipping off anyone who honks at you. The reason Hinduism is so popular out here is because you need nine arms to drive in Los Angeles.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton