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Jewish World Review July 29, 2003 / 29 Tamuz, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Toronto Raptors star Vince Carter replaced Kobe Bryant on the U.S. Olympic team Friday. The organizing committee said Kobe Bryant is recovering from knee and shoulder injuries. Orthopedic surgeons say four weeks ago, he pulled a Bill Clinton.

Pete Rose sold his autograph to baseball fans at the Hall of Fame weekend in Cooperstown on Sunday. He's forced to keep churning money. The night before, Pete Rose lost fourteen thousand dollars at the movie theater betting against Seabiscuit.

The Dallas Cowboys began training camp in Texas Friday under new coach Bill Parcells. It's tough staying in shape. Late in the afternoon, Jerry Jones had to be carried off the practice field on a stretcher with crow's feet around the eyes.

California joined other western states Thursday with raging brushfires which broke out in Agua Dolce. Investigators say the blaze was started by a spontaneous combustion in a manure pile. The California recall election is off to a roaring start.

Newsweek profiled Howard Dean and it turns out he's an Eastern establishment thoroughbred. However, Republicans have discovered he comes from a mixed marriage. His father's side founded Smith Barney and his mother's side founded Merrill Lynch.

U.S. troops searched the house where Uday and Qusay were killed Tuesday. They found $100 million in cash, cologne, clean underwear and a supply of Viagra. Apparently, just before the brothers died, they sent away for the Donald Trump Starter Kit.

The Pentagon put Uday and Qusay on public display in a morgue Friday for all to see. The faces were heavily reconstructed with putty and wax. The Iraqis took one look and wondered why U.S. troops would go to all that trouble just to kill Cher.

The Japanese Parliament had a huge fistfight between lawmakers on the floor of the House on Friday. It pretty much summed up everything. Three noses were broken and two spleens were ruptured debating whether to send peacekeepers to Iraq.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton