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Jewish World Review March 4, 2003 / 30 Adar I, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Tiger Woods withdrew Sunday from this week's Dubai World Golf Championship in the Persian Gulf kingdom due to imminent war in the region. He's not afraid of live fire. Tiger Woods plays in the Bob Hope Desert Classic every year with Jerry Ford.

The Ku Klux Klan said it will demonstrate at the Masters in favor of Augusta National's all-male membership policy. This only spells trouble. If John Daly falls off the wagon, he could come back to the hotel three hundred sheets to the wind.

Democrat Howard Dean is catching fire in Iowa with his anti- war speeches. He admits Saddam is evil but insists that containment is the answer. Until now, nobody thought of sealing the entire nation of Iraq in plastic sheeting and duct tape.

Pakistan witnessed anti-war riots in Karachi Sunday while Turkey's parliament banned U.S. troops. Tony Blair faces a revolt for backing the United States, which is currently downplaying nuclear war with North Korea. Why do you think they call it March Madness?

Turkey's parliament refused Saturday to allow U.S. troops to attack Iraq from Turkish soil. The U.S. resumed negotiating furiously. The difference between the government of Turkey and the Bluebird of Happiness is that money can't buy happiness.

Pope John Paul II sent an envoy to the White House to plead for more time for Saddam to disarm. Some people never learn. Allowing people a little more time to clean up their acts is what's costing the church its real estate holdings in Boston.

Fidel Castro offered to mediate the nuclear stand-off between North Korea and the U.S. He's very concerned. He didn't take steroids for forty years to watch North Korea knock the Cuban Missile Crisis out of the record book for closest all-time call.

The U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco banned schoolchildren in nine western states from reciting the pledge of allegiance. There's something in the air up there. You know you live in San Francisco if you can't remember if pot is illegal.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton