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Jewish World Review Oct. 21, 2002 / 15 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Washington Redskins unveiled a terrific new play on Sunday. With no time left, one guy ran a slant-in, another guy ran a zig-out, while the primary target angled sharply to the flag. All three players made it safely to their cars without getting shot.

Peter Fonda led a parade of two hundred motorcycles into Santa Fe, New Mexico, Friday to promote the Santa Fe Film Festival. It was his publicist's idea. His career could stage the comeback of the century if Iraq turns out to be another Vietnam.

North Korea was revealed in the New York Times on Thursday to be developing nuclear weapons. The timing was absolutely perfect. Jimmy Carter just won the Nobel Peace Prize for talking North Korea out of developing nuclear weapons.

France insisted Thursday the U.S. soften its U.N. resolution on disarming Saddam Hussein. What a joke. If they made dictators with black mustaches the way they used to make dictators with black mustaches, Saddam Hussein would be in Paris by now.

Baghdad held an inauguration ceremony for Saddam Hussein upon his re-election Friday. Last week he was elected president and carried one hundred percent of the vote. No one wants to say the fix was in, but he was sworn into office by Don King.

Saddam Hussein gave his presidential inaugural speech on Wednesday. He can be very persuasive. It's harsh to imply that he would gas his own people, but he did campaign on a promise to put two cars in every garage, with the engines running.

Hamid Karzai asked for international help to eradicate the poppy crops used to finance al-Qaeda. Leadership is needed. Who will be the first Hollywood star to announce that he's switching from heroin back to cocaine in the interest of national security?

John McCain guest-hosted NBC's Saturday Night Live in New York Saturday. He has a truly natural gift for comedy. The fund- raising totals from both parties just came in, and Campaign Finance Reform turned out to be the biggest joke of the year.

Martha Burk ripped Tiger Woods Wednesday for not joining her crusade to have women admitted at Augusta. She said he would be a caddy if it weren't for people like her. Don't miss her photograph on this month's cover of Last Straw magazine.

Queen Elizabeth flew home last Monday after visiting Canada in honor of her fifty-year reign. Her bloodline is fascinating. She is a direct descendant of William the Conqueror, which is a much bigger honor in Great Britain than it is in Arkansas.

The Anaheim Angels are hosting Game Two of the World Series at Edison Field this afternoon. The stadium has undergone a few structural changes. Ever since Charlie Sheen got clean and sober, the nosebleed section is back in the upper deck.

Continental pulled a pilot from a flight to Orlando Wednesday when the pilot tried to enter the plane drunk out of his mind. The airline has only itself to blame. This is what happens when you encourage employees to own stock in the company.

German Foreign Minister Joschka Fischer will fly to Washington October 30th to meet with Colin Powell about possible deployment of German troops. They won't reveal where. The betting is, it's very bad news for either Iraq or Harry Belafonte.

Bill Clinton was inducted into the Black Hall of Fame in Little Rock Saturday. It caused controversy. The next day, Harry Belafonte appeared on the Larry King Show and said Bill Clinton's grandfather was the overseer in Gone With the Wind.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton