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Jewish World Review Dec. 30, 2002 / 25 Teves, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Powerball lottery winner Jack Whittaker said Thursday his $350 million prize will not change him. He said the most important things in his life will still be work, family and G-d. The Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Bureau loves a challenge.

Gangs of New York was released Friday about gang violence in New York during the Civil War. The buzz is good. It was shrewd to release a movie about street criminals in December, when interest in the National Football League is at its peak.

Bud Selig asked Hall of Famers to meet him in January to get their views on reinstating Pete Rose. No one questions his credentials. Pete Rose is generally considered the best hitter in baseball history currently stored at room temperature.

California agriculture officials this week are battling an outbreak of Exotic Newcastle Disease. The state ordered one hundred thousand chickens destroyed. All week long, the governor has insisted that everyone address him as Colonel Davis.

Delta Air Lines suspended a pilot who showed up with alcohol on his breath on Thursday. There's an obvious reason for that policy. The pilot's door is locked so tight that if they have to throw up, they will never get out of the cockpit in time.

North Korea on Friday expelled all U.N. nuclear inspectors. They threatened to build nuclear weapons if the U.S. doesn't sign a non-aggression pact with them. They've got one drafted that's based on Donald Trump's standard pre-nuptial agreement.

Treasury Secretary nominee John Snow will soon begin his Senate confirmation hearings. He is the president's sixth appointee from the Nixon Administration. If President Bush appoints one more Nixon aide, Bob Woodward's going back on the night shift at the Washington Post just so he can be there when the phone call comes in.

Hillary Clinton gave the Democratic Party weekly radio address Saturday. She once gave a radio address on the importance of mammograms back when she was first lady. Breast examinations were a recurring theme during the Clinton Administration.

The U.S. Historical Society this spring will place a statue of Abraham Lincoln at the Civil War Visitor Center in Richmond. It was the Confederate capital. Just for being seen in the place Lincoln could be thrown out of the Republican Party.

Bill Frist on Monday accepted the job of Majority Leader. His father founded a huge HMO and his brother runs the HMO, meanwhile Bill Frist flies around the world performing free surgery on poor people. He's the black sheep of the family.

Senator Patty Murray called Osama bin Laden a humanitarian builder of roads and schools last week. Her words totally lacked balance. It's wrong to say that sort of thing unless you also mention that Adolf Hitler was a marvelous ice skater.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton