Jewish World Review August 5, 2002 /27 Menachem-Av, 5762
important news ....
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner lashed out at Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig for tampering in the pennant race. Time is running out for baseball. Right now, the two teams most likely to be there in October are Texas and Oklahoma.
Fox News reports that Jane Fonda has just signed with a top Hollywood talent agent. She wants to return to the movies. It's not that she misses acting, it's just that Ted Turner gave her the entire divorce settlement in AOL Time Warner stock.
The Miami Hurricanes on Friday were the pre-season pick to repeat as college football champions. It's really not fair. For over twenty years, the low price of cocaine in South Florida has given the Hurricanes an unfair recruiting advantage.
The National Football League continues its August training camps this week to prepare for games. The offensive linemen practice blocking and the defensive linemen practice obstructing. You never know who might become the next Tom Daschle.
Jim Traficant began serving his eight-year sentence Friday. He was expelled from Congress last week. The only congressman who voted against his expulsion was Gary Condit, who felt it would be hypocritical to vote out a fellow punchline.
The FBI failed Friday to get congressmen to agree to take lie detector tests in an investigation over press leaks. The idea is way too risky. If you hook up a politician to a lie detector machine, the shrapnel could kill everyone in the room.
Bill Clinton told a Jewish charity dinner Thursday he would pick up a rifle and fight and die in a ditch defending Israel. It very well could happen to him. We won't know for years the full extent of the curse the Lewinsky family placed on him.
Louisiana declared a state of emergency over West Nile virus being spread by mosquito bites. The virus causes the victims to feel listless, incoherent and brain dead. Until now nobody realized that the West Nile flowed through Los Angeles.
America West formed an alliance Thursday with Hawaiian Airlines. This solves three problems. What America West needs right now is access to new markets, an influx of cash, and pineapple juice to cover up the smell of alcohol in the cockpit.
ABC News aired a prime time special last week that called for legalization of pot. The idea seldom makes it onto statewide ballots. Advocates have trouble collecting enough signatures because they can never remember where they left all the petitions.
Attorney General John Ashcroft swore an oath Thursday that corrupt corporate executives will meet the judgment they fear and the punishment they deserve. That's ridiculous. He doesn't have the power to make them go back to their first wives.
Exxon Mobil disappointed investors with an earnings report Thursday and Wall Street tumbled. Their merger was a mistake. If Mobil had instead merged with Enron and formed Moron, investors would at least have known what they were getting.
Secretary of State Colin Powell said he thinks he can talk North Korea into abandoning its nuclear program. He also thinks he can negotiate with Saddam and reason with Arafat. Only Austin Powers gets more laughs during face time with Evil.
Treasury Department officials say al-Qaeda still has lots of cash despite an international dragnet against them. How much are we paying these geniuses? If anybody knew exactly when to get out of the stock market last year, it was al-Qaeda.
Bill Clinton discussed his wife's political future with New York Congressman Charlie Rangel at a meeting inside the former president's office in Harlem last week. There were no Republicans for miles around. Bill Clinton will go down in history as the first white Southerner to move to Harlem for his own personal safety.