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Jewish World Review Oct. 28, 2002 / 22 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Washington Wizards star Michael Jordan sued a girlfriend for trying to extort hush money from him. He already had an affair with her and now he wants to wreck her credibility. If Al Gore wants the Democratic nomination he had better move fast.

Maryland police arrested John Allen Muhammad at a highway rest stop Thursday as the serial sniper. Anti-war protesters can't catch a break. Two days before the big peace march in Washington, the sniper turns out to be a guy named Muhammad.

The Secret Service caught a guy jumping over the White House fence Thursday. The agents said the White House has always attracted mentally unstable people. Ever since John McCain hosted Saturday Night Live, they've had the net out for him.

Congress doubled the number of public tours through the Capitol Friday. Last year, tours were cut back for security reasons. However, campaign finance reform starts November 6th and many lawmakers expect to make ends meet by mugging tourists.

The Victoria's Secret Lingerie Show will air November 20th on CBS. Let's not waste a golden opportunity. This is the kind of show the United States can offer to show the North Korean government if they will halt their nuclear weapons program.

The World Series between the San Francisco Giants and Anaheim Angels helped to double beer sales over the weekend. Before each commercial break they showed a picture of a cold, frosty one. Those tributes to Ted Williams were really moving.

Terry Bradshaw was honored at halftime of the Pittsburgh Steelers game Monday in Pittsburgh. He comes from an old English family. Burke's Peerage in London recently confirmed that Terry Bradshaw is a direct descendant of the Duke of Hazzard.

Hurricane Kenna slammed into the western coast of Mexico on Friday. The wind speeds were clocked at one hundred and twenty miles per hour. For the first time in history, Mexicans are arriving in California who had no intention of moving here. \

Osama bin Laden's will was published Saturday in London. In it he apologizes to his kids for not spending more time with them. If he really cared for them, he would leave them his current address so they could collect the $25 million reward.

Saddam Hussein could face a copyright infringement suit from Whitney Houston for playing I Will Always Love You in his campaign commercials. No royalty was paid. Of course, getting rid of royalty is what put him in power in the first place.

Walter Mondale was mentioned by Minnesota Democrats Friday as a replacement Senate candidate. He ran for president in 1984 and lost to Ronald Reagan by forty-nine states to one. Walter Mondale had the extreme misfortune to run for president the exact year that Baby Boomers stopped partying and started paying property taxes.

The Democrats will use Bill Clinton's name and photo in fundraising e-mails to urge donors to give generously. It's worth a shot. Only pornography and gambling make money on the Internet, so using Bill Clinton's name just might work.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton