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Jewish World Review Feb. 14, 2003 / 12 Adar I, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Saudi Arabia was the scene of a huge religious ceremony Wednesday as millions of Muslims marched in a circle at Mecca. It got ugly. Fourteen people were trampled trying to beat the holiday rush to get out of the Arab world before President's Day.

British Airways offered its lowest fares in history Wednesday. They will fly you to London from anywhere in the United States for two hundred dollars. They would pay you more, but they don't want to follow United Airlines into bankruptcy.

Saddam Hussein vehemently denied any links to al-Qaeda Wednesday after Osama bin Laden's audiotape called for support for Iraq. The dictator may be telling the truth. When Osama's tape came out, Saddam Hussein called Dick Cheney and asked for the name of a good cardiologist.

The White House was ringed with anti-aircraft batteries Wednesday after the Orange Alert was declared. Everyone's jittery. These days in Washington, if you are overheard ordering a couple of Stingers, you'd better be talking to a bartender.

Homeland Security issued a bulletin on terrorism preparedness Monday. The next day, stores sold out of duct tape and plastic. Just think of the crash that could have been averted if they had told Americans to keep a three-day supply of Enron stock.

CIA Director George Tenet said Wednesday North Korea can reach the West Coast with nuclear-tipped missiles. In case of an attack, people in Los Angeles are instructed to take shelter at Universal Studios. They haven't had a hit in decades.

George Tenet conceded Wednesday that North Korea's Los Angeles missile is still not tested. Hopefully it works. When it bounces off the smog and sinks a cruise ship ready for boarding, this could be the first war in history that saved lives in the long run.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton