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Jewish World Review Jan. 28, 2003 / 25 Shevat, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | LOS ANGELES The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were praised Sunday for their efforts in Florida to combat drug use. What a welcome change. It was refreshing to see a group of pro athletes who think that the Super Bowl is something you win, not something you smoke.

Oakland Raiders fans went wild in Oakland after the Super Bowl Sunday night, smashing windows, turning over cars and looting local appliance stores. Los Angeles might press charges. First Oakland steals our team, and now they're stealing our act.

President Bush gives his State of the Union address tonight in the U.S. Capitol House chamber. He faces a recession, a war with Iraq, rising budget deficits, a vow to never raise taxes, and a Clinton waiting to take his place. Thank you, Clonaid.

President Bush will announce new proposals in his State of the Union address tonight to help out the needy. He can't appear condescending. Americans who own stock in high-tech companies don't want a handout, they just want their fingers back.

Mexico's President Vicente Fox said Sunday he will visit Governor Bill Richardson in New Mexico. Proper protocol will be observed. Whenever the president of Mexico arrives in the United States, the correct greeting is to welcome him to his country.

The FBI obtained the sealed records of the Internet sex sting of former U.N. weapons inspector and prominent Iraq war opponent Scott Ritter. The state charge was about to be dropped against him after two years of good behavior, but now the Justice Department may file charges. It's an old wrestling hold known as the half-Nixon.

Senator Byron Dorgan slipped $1 million into the federal budget to help fix traffic jams in North Dakota. It's a real problem. When the terrorists driving down from Canada to enroll in flight schools are met by the Americans driving up to Canada for cheap prescription drugs, it's simply more than a dirt road can handle.

The Pentagon announced Thursday that U.S. troops would wear jungle camouflage uniforms if they are ordered to invade Iraq, and not desert camouflage uniforms. It's unclear why. Either there aren't enough desert camouflage uniforms to go around, or the troops won't have time to change on their way to North Korea.

Saudi Arabian officials admitted Sunday that they give Rolex watches to Western reporters. They denied that it's a bribe for favorable coverage of pet Arab causes. It's merely a coincidence that Yasser Arafat just won the Golden Globe for Best Animated Short.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton