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Jewish World Review Sept. 23, 2002 / 17 Tishrei, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Charlton Heston campaigned in three cities in Alabama Friday for Republican Party candidates there. This man is in demand all over the world. Saddam Hussein just sent him an urgent e-mail asking him for tips on how to placate a Burning Bush.

Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge is considering relaxing the Code Level Orange terrorist warning he issued several weeks ago. It unnecessarily alarmed people. To most Americans, orange alert means O.J. just moved into the neighborhood.

German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder refused to back any U.S. military attack on Iraq. When did they turn peaceful? This is the country that erased Henry Kissinger's name from their encyclopedia for negotiating an end to the Vietnam War.

Yasser Arafat complained Friday he's being kept awake all night by the sound of shooting and bulldozers knocking down his walls. He has nobody to blame but himself. He should have checked out the neighborhood before he moved to Los Angeles.

The Washington Post said Friday that Paul O'Neill, Colin Powell, Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld are each worth between $50 and $100 million. The lucky dogs. Government rules forced them to sell their stocks before they took over the economy.

The Weather Channel reports that El Nino is traveling across the Pacific and will strike North America this winter, causing severe rainfall and dangerous high winds. We're in for some violent weather. The five-day forecast for Iraq is two days.

Laura Bush flew to New York City to tape a segment of Sesame Street. She was accompanied by a huge security detail onto the set of the puppet show. The White House wasn't kidding when they said they're going to look everywhere for hidden arms.

The White House was enraged by a remark from Germany's Justice Minister that President Bush reminds her of Adolf Hitler. She added in total sincerity that she meant no disrespect by the remark. Apparently it's still a toast in some countries.

The Christian Coalition holds a national conference in Washington D.C. next week. Religious faith is endorsed by both political parties. If you don't think Democrats believe in eternity, just ask Hillary Clinton how long it is until 2008.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton