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Jewish World Review March 6, 2003 / 2 Adar II, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Academy Awards insisted Monday the Oscar telecast will air on March 23rd even if a war is already underway. It's no surprise. If Galileo had been in show business he would be famous today for proving that the universe revolves around him.

Martin Sheen said Monday that NBC is uneasy with his anti- war crusade. There is much concern. In one of the greatest switches of all time, Charlie Sheen sat his father down in the living room last night and told him that he's out of control.

Tiger Woods gave up a two million dollar appearance fee and canceled playing in the Dubai Desert Classic today. Life is so unfair. President Bush doesn't have a beautiful Swedish girlfriend to keep him from teeing off in the Persian Gulf.

Ted Kennedy addressed a Methodist Church conference Tuesday and ripped White House Iraq policy. Everything's upside down. The top golfer is black, the top rapper is white, and Teddy Kennedy is spending Mardi Gras at a Methodist Church conference.

Time magazine says Pakistan gave the CIA hand-written letters from Osama bin Laden which prove he's alive. The letters are obviously current. It seems like all the famous people in the world last week wanted to say how much Mr. Rogers meant to them.

The Pentagon said the recent rash of suicide attempts by terrorist prisoners at Guantanamo is nothing out of the ordinary. They do what they're trained to do. Night after night, they make airplane noises and throw themselves into the wall.

Bill Clinton assured a New York federal court he would clear his schedule to obey a jury duty summons Monday. He's pretty flexible. Last week he canceled a romantic vacation to the Caribbean at the last minute when Hillary decided to come.

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