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Jewish World Review Oct. 7, 2002 / 1 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Homeless men featured in the Internet video Bumfights have filed a lawsuit against the producers and are demanding a share of the profits. This is all so sad and degrading. Lawyers who once chased ambulances have been reduced to running after shopping carts.

Philip Morris will appeal a $28 billion award handed out by a Los Angeles jury to a woman who is near death from smoking. If she collects, she'll be the third-richest person in America. Anna Nicole Smith heard the news and came out of the closet.

The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled Democrats can replace a Senate candidate who is polling badly a month before the election. It left the citizens of New Jersey asking the same question they always wind up asking. Are you wearing a wire?

New York's former police commissioner Bill Bratton was named Los Angeles police chief last week. His detractors say he will do anything to hang out with celebrities and stars. It's going to take all the sport out of killing your wife in Los Angeles.

Al Gore stumped for Massachusetts Democratic governor candidate Shannon O'Brien on Friday. He's determined to win the presidential election next time. To take advantage of Florida's new touch-screen voting, he's changing his name to Quick Cash.

Minnesota Viking Randy Moss was arrested for running down a traffic control officer with his car and was also charged with pot possession. The team hasn't won a game all year. Right now, Minneapolis is a drinking town with a football problem.

Saddam Hussein showed signs of deteriorating sanity Thursday when he issued a statement from Baghdad in which he challenged President Bush to a duel. The president is the more experienced gunslinger. He beat Al Gore in a draw, didn't he?

Gary Hart wrote a New York Times piece giving the Democratic Party advice on defense policy. He'd be the strongest 2004 Democratic presidential candidate by far. Gary Hart gets caught with women who wouldn't give Bill Clinton the time of day.

Senator Hillary Clinton went to Los Angeles Saturday night for a Democratic rally on behalf of California Governor Gray Davis. They were joined onstage by Martin Sheen of The West Wing. It looked like sign-up day for Oval Office Fantasy Camp.

Senator Bill Frist asked the Supreme Court to block a New Jersey ruling that bails out Democrats. He has a deep interest in the state. Bill Frist is a heart surgeon, and emergency room doctors refer to New Jersey as a Shining City on a Hill.

The Justice Department announced the resignation of Assistant U.S. Attorney General Charles James, who was in charge of antitrust enforcement. Charles James believes strongly that American corporations should obey the law. So he had to go.

The Texas Rangers released relief pitcher John Rocker last week. This frees him to join the CIA. It's difficult to admit, but two years ago he was the only person in America who noticed a number of suspicious-looking foreigners in New York.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton