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Jewish World Review August 26, 2003 / 28 Menachem-Av, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | President Bush suffered a sharp dip in the Gallup Poll Thursday. The numbers show that the president would lose next year's election to an Unnamed Democrat. The next day all of the Democrats were campaigning with paper bags over their heads.

Charles Schwab had bombs left outside his Carmel office and his Pebble Beach home last week. The discount stockbroker is almost disappointed that neither one went off. For over three years, Charles Schwab has been predicting another boom.

Howard Dean spoke in Buffalo last Monday to a national college convention of Young Democrats. It's a start. Howard Dean hasn't had a drink in twenty-two years, so he's got a lot of bridge-building to do before he can connect with college students.

Kato Kaelin wrote an open letter to Kobe Bryant in Philadelphia Magazine. He offered cheerful advice on how to stay popular during a rape trial. Kato Kaelin is living proof that at some time back in the 1960s, Gilligan and Ginger had a child.

Chemical Ali was captured alive in Iraq on Thursday. He will be glad to have U.S. military protection. Cybill Shepherd just said she made out with Chemical Ali twenty-five years ago when his name alone would get him into any disco in Manhattan.

Alabama rallied to support the banned Ten Commandments display in Montgomery on Thursday. They can't read them enough. Too many politicians in Washington were raised to believe that the Sixth Commandment reads Thou Shalt Not Admit Adultery.

The Gospel According to John is the name of a new movie starring Christopher Plummer to be released next month. The movie was three years in the making. It took one year to shoot all the scenes and two years to find a Bible in Hollywood.

Archaeologists last week discovered the remains of a hunter in a Swiss Alps mountain glacier. The hunter died three thousand years ago from a knife to the back. It's the first evidence that recall elections did not originate in California.

Governor Gray Davis offered driver's licenses for illegal aliens Monday. Activists are also demanding drinking fountains at illegal crossing areas. California homeowners have about a year to decide whether they want to change over to pesos or Astro Turf. California Democratic Party spokesman Bob Mulholland told British newspapers Thursday that any son of a Nazi German soldier will never be elected governor of California. That's unfair. Arnold Schwarzenegger is as American as apple strudel.

Las Vegas was hit by a rainstorm Wednesday causing flash flooding that buried cars in ten feet of surging water. The rescues were spectacular. One motorist pulled on his door handle and won fifty thousand dollars when three catfish came up

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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01/02/03:Annual Review of the Past Year's Mischief
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© 2002, Argus Hamilton