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Jewish World Review Oct. 31, 2002 / 25 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Winona Ryder's trial for shoplifting charges continued in Beverly Hills this week. Movie actresses have absolutely no common sense. They get paid millions of dollars because men can't take their eyes off of them when they're on camera, and Winona Ryder thinks a security guard isn't going to notice her on his TV screen.

Los Angeles jailers on Tuesday refused to let Diane Sawyer interview Robert Blake. He's trying to influence the jury pool. Right now he could kick himself for doing In Cold Blood instead of Mary Poppins when his agent gave him the choice.

President Bush signed a bill into law Tuesday that spend billions of dollars to replace old voting machines. He needed to act quickly. The old machines are so rusty that they won't cast a vote for anybody but Roosevelt or Mondale or Lautenberg.

Walter Mondale will address a public rally today in Minneapolis to launch his U.S. Senate race. It's amazing. Walter Mondale was buried in the 1984 election and now Minnesota is about to tie Israel's world record for most number of resurrections.

Democrats held a memorial for the late Senator Paul Wellstone in Minneapolis Tuesday. Fifty senators flew in for the tribute. Bill and Hillary Clinton arrived holding hands, proving that the only reliable de-icing equipment is a U.S. Senate seat.

Senator Paul Wellstone got a rousing tribute from Democrats Tuesday. Speaker after speaker mourned the loss of a principled voice within the party. Al Gore expressed his gratitude afterwards, but reminded everyone that he didn't really lose.

Al Gore campaigned for Democratic candidates in Michigan Monday. It was like old times. He is pretty good at appealing to labor unions, considering the only time he ever punched a time clock was when he played competitive chess as a teenager.

Ousted Democratic congressman Jim Traficant debuted two TV ads Tuesday in his campaign to win back his Ohio seat. He's currently in prison. It's the first congressional commercial ever paid for with cigarettes, if you don't count North Carolina and Kentucky.

The Army wants to develop a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that last three years without refrigeration. This is disturbing. First the CIA misses September 11th, then the FBI misses the sniper, and now the Army never heard of airline food.

The Department of Defense is working on a food patch that delivers nutrients directly to the skin of soldiers. We have no choice. If the French don't get on board with the resolution against Iraq, we have to be prepared to cook for ourselves.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton