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Jewish World Review July 26, 2002 /17 Menachem-Av, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig was loudly booed at Fenway Park's tribute to Ted Williams in Boston Monday. The commissioner is cold and out-of-touch. And since the kids refused to come, somebody had to be there to represent Ted Williams.

Hershey reported a twenty percent gain in earnings over last year's second-quarter income. The profits have nothing to do with accounting techniques. More and more Americans are killing the pain with chocolate until Congress passes a prescription drug bill.

Senate GOP Leader Trent Lott said Tuesday he's willing to spend $370 billion on drugs but not a penny more. He got everyone's attention. Just this morning he was invited to forty-eight Hollywood parties and a Dallas Cowboys team reunion.

The Dallas Cowboys begin camp today in San Antonio. They have really cleaned up their act. President Bush may invite the Dallas Cowboys to the White House just so he can be in one picture with a group of guys who are not in legal trouble.

Bruce Willis paid a visit to the White House Tuesday to promote foster child adoption. What a great day for kids. By amazing coincidence, just that morning the little boy in the Sixth Sense walked downstairs and saw the Treasury Secretary.

President Bush Tuesday ordered all radioactive waste in America stored in a mountain ninety miles from Las Vegas. It's already hurt business in the casinos. Last night, three guys were kicked out of a blackjack tournament for Geiger counting.

Rev. Rowan Williams was appointed to head the Church of England. The church's founding in 1562 laid the foundation for Protestant notions of liberty in Britain and America. Until then, there was no such thing as a free drop from a water hazard.

Presidential candidate Al Sharpton sued HBO for airing a 1983 tape where he discussed a cocaine deal with an undercover agent. He should relax. Even if he never wins the presidency, he could go down in history for his I Have a Gram speech.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton