Jewish World Review Nov. 11, 2002 / 6 Kislev, 5763
important news ....
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Secret Service Director Brian Stafford said Thursday he will retire. He's been at the helm four years. Think of the money he'll be offered when you consider that Bill Clinton's bodyguard is the American equivalent of Princess Diana's butler.
Winona Ryder was convicted of shoplifting in Beverly Hills Tuesday. This was a disaster all around. No one wants to say her film career is finished, but the studio just asked Walter Mondale to replace her in the remake of The Stepford Wives.
Winona Ryder was found guilty of grand theft Tuesday in her shoplifting trial in Beverly Hills. She's an active Democrat. The night Bill and Hillary Clinton loaded the moving van at the White House, Winona Ryder served as technical advisor.
The U.S. Senate will admit Saxby Chambliss of Georgia, Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey, Lamar Alexander of Tennessee and Elizabeth Dole of North Carolina this January. They're the new faces. Any plastic surgeon can tell you this with one look.
California Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi took to the airwaves Friday to declare she has the votes to be House Minority Leader. She's a flashy liberal Democrat from San Francisco. Compared to Nancy Pelosi, Barbra Streisand has the common touch.
Trent Lott and Tom Daschle said Friday they don't know which party's in charge during this one-week lame duck session. It almost doesn't matter. They barely have time to vote themselves a pay increase, much less reorganize Homeland Security.
German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder phoned President Bush Friday to attempt to mend fences after he was re-elected on an anti-American platform. If they were able to bury the hatchet and reach agreement, one thing is certain. France is next.
The U.N. Security Council unanimously approved President Bush's Iraq resolution Friday. Iraq must submit to unrestricted inspections. Considering how quickly we found Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and his weapons should live to a ripe old age.
Iraqi U.N. Ambassador Mohammed Al-Douri said Iraq will consider the resolution passed Friday. Their choice is between full compliance and the Steinway Strategy. They can do exactly what President Bush says or they can hope a piano falls on him.
Princess Diana's butler Paul Burrell told the London Daily Mirror Wednesday that her family was upset over her numerous love affairs with Muslim men. She couldn't help herself. There's just something about a man in a flight school uniform.
Jennifer Granholm was elected Michigan governor Tuesday over Republican Dick Posthumus. Some parties will do anything to win. Resurrecting Walter Mondale and Frank Lautenberg was one thing, but running Nixon posthumously seemed over the line.
Governor Jesse Ventura said Monday that he's leaving politics and will never run for president. It's not a good fit. John McCain once said that to want to be president a man has to be half nuts, so Jesse Ventura is overqualified for the job.
Dick Gephardt quit Thursday as Minority Leader to let somebody else lead the Democrats. His experience will serve him well in his next job. He's leaving to star as General Custer in the St. Louis dinner theater production of They Died with their Boots On.
Al Gore made a voice-over appearance on Fox's cartoon show Futurama in Sunday night's premiere episode. The former vice president played the voice of his own disembodied head. This demotes Ted Williams to the second-creepiest story of the year.