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Jewish World Review Jan. 8, 2003 / 5 Shevat, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Saddam Hussein addressed the Iraqi people on television Monday and said he has completely cooperated with U.N. inspectors. He sounded desperate. In a stunning announcement that's sure to delay a U.S. attack, he revealed that he's North Korean.

The NFL apologized to the New York Giants for missing a huge call Sunday. It cost them the playoffs. It was the most blatant case of pass interference since Erskine Bowles used to throw himself between Bill Clinton and the White House Tour.

Democrats promoted their new economic plan Monday as both fair and fiscally responsible. This will win them no votes at all. People vote Democrat to get fiscal responsibility the way they vote Republican to crack down on corporate greed.

President Bush proposed eliminating the tax on stock dividends Tuesday before the Economic Club of Chicago. It's easy to get a crowd in Chicago to believe that someday their stock investments will pay dividends. These people are Cubs fans.

U.N. inspectors searched the Iraqi countryside and streets of Baghdad Tuesday. It's the most thorough strip-search in history. Underneath one rock way up in the mountains the inspectors even found a Democrat who's not running for president.

The Washington Times reported Monday that police in Fairfax County, Virginia, are cracking down on alcohol. They are storming into bars, pulling customers outside for breath tests and arresting them if they happen to test drunk. The Puritans were never going to be happy until we had a Department of Homeland Sobriety.

Newsweek reported that Prince Charles decided to cancel a scheduled March visit to America. He wanted to allow time for the butler's revelations to die down. When Americans find out that his toothpaste is squeezed onto the toothbrush for him every morning, Warren Beatty will realize he hasn't thought of everything.

United Airlines announced Monday they will no longer serve meals on domestic flights to cut costs. Now, there's a loss that won't be mourned. According to the latest consumer survey, only the Howard Stern Show has less taste than airline food.

Southern California was pounded by winds off the desert Monday causing brush fires to break out in Malibu. The town is populated by stars and producers and directors. Rescue workers arrived within minutes carrying headshots and screenplays.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton