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Jewish World Review July 9, 2002 / 29 Tamuz, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Ted Williams was flown to Phoenix on Friday, where his body was cryogenically frozen and stored for possible future resurrection or cloning. A lot's riding on it. Ted Williams won every award there is to win except Comeback Player of the Year.

The Running of the Bulls was held in Spain Sunday where bulls chase runners down the narrow streets of Pamplona, goring the slow of foot. It was riveting, and bloody, and only the strong survived. If the TV ratings are good, this format could replace the New Hampshire primary.

Democrats spent July 4th brainstorming for hot campaign ideas for 2004. They ought to promote the D-cell battery. It wouldn't totally eliminate the need for Middle Eastern oil, but it could give Al Gore the personality he needs to let her rip.

Congress will hold hearings on the Enron and WorldCom wreckage this week. They want to hear how these CEOs made losses look like gains while raiding the pension funds and raising their own salaries. Congressmen love these continuing education seminars.

The White House asked the Senate to ratify the Nuclear Arms Reduction Treaty with Russia. Throughout the Cold War, nuclear war between the U.S. and Russia was prevented by Mutual Assured Destruction. It's the same principle that in 2004 will keep George W. and Hillary from bringing up each other's past stock transactions.

Dolly Kyle Browning sued Bill Clinton for using his White House to retaliate against her for talking about their affair. He issued no comment. During his presidency, Bill Clinton was accused of ten adulterous affairs, but he refused to discuss them, because that would cheapen them.



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© 2002, Argus Hamilton