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Jewish World Review Nov. 27, 2002 / 22 Kislev, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Tampa Bay and Green Bay receivers dropped twelve passes in one game Sunday. NFL rules forbid players from using a substance called Stickum on their fingers to help them hold on to the football. Michael Jackson never goes to Germany without it.

Ohio State students went wild Saturday night after the Buckeyes made it into the national championship game. They looted businesses and disappeared without a trace. It sounds like they have the best executive training program in the country.

Tucson was the site of a weekend bioterrorism drill conducted by U.S. health officials. They were happy with the progress made by emergency crews. Ever since the ambulance drivers passed the bar exam, they have cut their response time in half.

President Bush flew to Vilnius Friday to welcome Lithuania to NATO. He gave the president of Lithuania a basketball personally autographed by Michael Jordan. If Lithuania wanted out- of-date aircraft, they could have stayed in the Warsaw Pact.

The House of Representatives will convene in January amid pledges to address prescription drug coverage and affordable health insurance. There's no doubt that Congress can do it. For five hundred years, leeches have been used to cure sickness.

Disney cruise ships in Florida were scrubbed from stem to stern with disinfectant Sunday after bacteria gave two hundred passengers a stomach ailment. They're going to be a lot more careful in the future. Prop comics are no longer allowed to work with petri dishes, old bread, and volunteers from the audience.

Al Gore said Friday he will announce in January if he will run for president in 2004. Can he do what is necessary to win? History shows that the only way a candidate can successfully maintain a proper distance from Bill Clinton is to marry the guy.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton