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Jewish World Review July 10, 2002 /1 Menachem-Av, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Major League Baseball Players Union refused Monday to allow testing for steroids. It's the least of baseball's problems now. At the All-Star Game home run hitting contest, the winner was a Scottish sheep cloned from Ted Williams' DNA.

Ted Williams was flown to Phoenix where his body was cryogenically frozen at Alcor for the future. He's being stored at minus-320 degrees. Hopefully, a few months of winter ball will get him back into playing shape in case there's a strike.

The Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale will store the body of Ted Williams for a $120,000 fee until scientists learn how to bring the slugger back to life. This place is doing land-office business. In addition to Ted Williams, Alcor is storing the remains of two thousand dot-com companies and Arthur Andersen.

President Bush outlined a plan Tuesday to jail corrupt CEOs. They won't take this lying down. In an attempt to foil further administration attacks, the top one thousand corporations are now renting out their boardrooms for Afghan weddings.

The Afghan government investigated the assassination of their vice president Abdul Qadir over the weekend. No U.S. official attended the funeral. However, the State Department has offered to cover the cost of having him frozen in Scottsdale.

WorldCom CEO Bernard Ebbers was berated in a Congressional committee Monday. He's in big trouble for concealing an ocean of red ink to trick the public into thinking everything's fine. It's a federal crime to impersonate a Member of Congress.

Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld underwent a three- hour surgery on his left thumb Monday and he will be in a cast for four weeks. They were able to operate on him without anesthesia. Those years in the Nixon Administration are never wasted.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton