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Jewish World Review May 7, 2003 / 5 Iyar, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Alabama fired coach Mike Price for attending a topless club and entertaining a stripper in his hotel room. His reputation is in tatters. Last night someone posted Mike Price's credit card number on the Internet and no one stole his identity.

Iowa State coach Larry Eustachy was fired for partying at a Missouri fraternity house. He was photographed kissing a wet T- shirt contest winner. He will forever have the honor of being the first Democrat to be eliminated in the 2004 Iowa caucus.

U.S. troops on Monday arrested the Iraqi biological weapons scientist known as Mrs. Anthrax. It comes a month after they captured Dr. Germ and killed Chemical Ali. A background check confirms they all got their start as concessionaires at Woodstock.

Democrats locked horns Saturday in a debate hosted by George Stephanopoulos. All nine candidates presented their ideas and their personalities. Everybody who saw the debate agrees that George Stephanopoulos never looked more presidential.

North Korea threatened to attack the U.S. with nuclear missiles Saturday. They sound very confident. In the exchange, North Korea would be incinerated by the flash from a nuclear fireball, so in that sense, their future never looked brighter.

Fidel Castro said he will ask the IOC to allow Cuba to host the 2012 Summer Olympic Games. Don't expect any of the aquatic events to be the demonstration sport. Every Cuban who could swim or row or water ski is already in Florida by now.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton