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Jewish World Review Jan. 17, 2003 / 14 Shevat, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | North Korea's Kim Jong Il rejected the U.S. offer of oil and food in exchange for nuclear disarmament. He called the offer loudmouthed, painted cake, pie in the sky. The University of Michigan read his statement and admitted him sight unseen.

The Supreme Court is reviewing Michigan's affirmative action policy. It awards twelve points for a perfect SAT but twenty points for being black. The school will right this wrong the day Michigan takes on Ohio State in the Trigonometry Bowl.

U.N. inspectors searched Saddam Hussein's presidential palace Wednesday. They spent four hours searching his offices, going through his books and opening his safes. The FBI told them that if all else fails, they got Al Capone on tax evasion.

CBS News said Russia offered Saddam Hussein sanctuary if he wants to leave Iraq to avoid being overthrown in a war. It's his last chance to get away scot-free. Illinois Governor George Ryan left office Monday without returning his call.

The Postal Service said this week's anthrax scare was a false alarm. Everyone has been looking for white powder in the U.S. mail. Whitney Houston already made plans to turn down the Golden Globe Sunday night and go home with the envelope.

Texas Tech lost thirty vials of Bubonic Plague from its laboratory Wednesday. Turns out a scientist destroyed the vials. He was only trying to increase the proportion of Black Plague vials and Montezuma's Revenge vials to give the campus more diversity.

Hillary Clinton was named to the U.S. Senate Armed Services Committee. She said it will give her a solid background to praise or criticize President Bush. It would be the first time she ever confronted a president without a lamp in her hand.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton