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Jewish World Review March 13, 2003 / 9 Adar II, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Oklahoma U.S. Rep. Frank Lucas got a cut lip and broken tooth when a cow head-butted him Sunday. Once a bull smashed his face with a swinging gate. He's the only guy who hisses when the movie credits say no animals were injured in the making of this film.

The Cowboy Church of Ellis County became the ninth cowboy church to open its doors in Texas on Sunday. The services feature sermons, songs, Bible study and team calf-roping after church. Their closing hymn every Sunday is Hail to the Chief.

Bobby Knight forfeited his coach's salary at Texas Tech over his team's losses this month. Someone must take the blame. The coach has no recruiting violations, no doctored grades, no illegal junior college transfers and the record to show for it.

Bayer released a brand-new anti-impotence drug called Levitra in England on Tuesday. It's advertised to be good for five to six hours at a time. Tony Blair bought up the entire first shipment to keep the Labor Party from going soft on Iraq.

Senate Republicans plan to vote to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling by next week. Objections are strenuous. The French Ambassador is demanding that the United States government give the Caribou more time to cooperate.

Congress gave France a slap Monday and changed French fries on its cafeteria menu to freedom fries. It's not enough. At the rate presidential candidates have been checking into the hospital, maybe they should drop them from the menu entirely.

North Korea was reported Monday to be planning a long-range missile test one week after its short-range missile test. No matter what they do they can't get anybody's attention. If this doesn't work, they're going to try shoplifting at Saks.

The New York Yankees fined David Wells $100,000 for the controversial things he wrote in his just-published autobiography. The team gave his book $10 million dollars worth of free publicity for $100,000. So let's hope he's learned his lesson.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton