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Jewish World Review July 22, 2002 /13 Menachem-Av, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | American stockholders lost $1.5 trillion equaling the gross national product of France this past week. See what a great country we are? It usually takes the French Army six weeks to lose France and Wall Street did it in seven business days.

Democrats pushed a senior drug coverage plan under Medicare Friday while the Republicans pushed a plan that uses private drug companies. Both plans remind people of those hospital gowns that tie in the back. You only think you're covered.

Clinton Library officials Friday showed off the site's special area for a presidential burial. The location on President Clinton Avenue includes a chapel, gift shop and fiber-optic cables for TV broadcasting. The only thing missing is a will that leaves everything to Lisa Marie.

President Bush welcomed soldiers home from Afghanistan Friday and proposed a military pay raise. It should have been filmed for a TV recruiting ad. If you are in the stock market, a soldier makes more money by nine a.m. than you do all day.

Janet Reno's Dance Party was held in South Beach Friday in what she called an effort to reach out to young people. This was an iffy idea. The last time she reached out to young people, Elian went to Cuba and the Cuban vote went to Bush.

Ted Williams' kids agreed Friday to hand over his fate to an arbitrator. They must do right by him. This is a man who hit five hundred homers, who shot down a dozen enemy planes and who, ten days after his death can still keep the beer cold.

The White House was ripped by eleven states Thursday for not fighting global warming. However, the ice shelf that just broke off in Antarctica wasn't caused by increased temperatures. It was the penguins giving Ted Williams a Viking funeral.

Tiger Woods angered feminists by defending male-only golf clubs. These clubs offer business opportunities. Women will never learn how to commit accounting fraud and insider stock trading if they are denied access to the top teaching pros.

President Bush decided Thursday to take Poland's president on a goodwill visit to Michigan. George W. Bush is genuinely hospitable. The Polish president is a big fan of American jazz so of course President Bush took him to a swing state.

The White House announcer mispronounced the name of Aleksander Kwasniewski as the Polish president made his entrance at the state dinner Wednesday night. How badly did he mangle the name? He should have stopped after Albuquerque.

Army Secretary Tom White was raked over the coals Thursday in Congress over his phone calls to former colleagues at Enron. He swears he knew nothing. Ever since this Enron scandal broke, have you noticed there are fewer Elvis impersonators in Vegas than there are Sergeant Schultz impersonators in Washington?

Al Gore will travel to Denver on July 26th to help the Democratic Party kick off Colorado's primary season. It's a humanitarian service mission. Nobody in Colorado will really believe that the fire is out until they see Al Gore in person.

Zacarias Moussaoui tried to change his plea to guilty Wednesday by screaming aloud, baffling everyone. There's only one explanation. Apparently he decided to forsake Osama bin Laden to become a devout follower of Congressman James Traficant.

The House Ethics Committee convicted James Traficant of ethics violations on Thursday. The man is completely loony. James Traficant was once turned down for a loan because the bank refused to accept the voices inside his head as references.

The House of Representatives Wednesday began passing a few Homeland Security proposals. They're being described as components of incredibly detailed and complex legislation. That means you don't get to the pay raise until page six hundred.

A U.S. Air Force pilot is fighting his court martial for accidentally bombing Canadian troops in Afghanistan. The incident caused a rift when Canadians felt they didn't receive an adequate apology. If Bill Clinton were president he would have gone straight up to Canada and apologized, but what do Canadians care about slavery?



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton