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Jewish World Review May 19, 2002 / 8 Sivan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Arizona Governor Jane Hull escaped an assassination plot in Phoenix Sunday. Authorities say the plot was carried out by a career criminal, a clergyman and a sex offender. Jesse Jackson is just lucky he was in the hospital and has an alibi.

The New York Daily News said Bill Clinton still owes his lawyers $3 million and hasn't paid a dime in a year. It's true he's now making a lot of money, but his expenses are huge. After all, he has a daughter at Oxford and a son in the Enquirer.

Al Gore attacked the GOP for selling September 11th photos of President Bush to donors. He prefers telephone fund-raising. The problem is, when people hear Al Gore's voice on the other end of the line they think it's the dial tone and hang up.

Jimmy Carter urged Fidel Castro to allow free elections on Cuban TV Tuesday and was cheered wildly by the studio audience. They haven't seen an American on TV since 1959. They were impressed at how gracefully Tennessee Ernie Ford has aged.

PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat delivered a speech on Wednesday to the Palestinian Parliament and promised to establish free elections. He's never been a fan of democracy. The last time Arafat ran he was hightailing it from Lebanon to Tunisia.

California State Senator Deborah Ortiz backed off her plan to place a special tax on sugary sodas. She wanted the money to fight childhood obesity. Then she realized the Republican welfare reform package will probably take care of that.

Hillary Clinton downplayed reports Monday she is favored among Democrats for vice president in 2004. Her character would be a definite plus. For eight years, she was the only woman in Washington who was not romantically linked to the president.

Auditor David Duncan testified Wednesday in the obstruction of justice trial of Arthur Andersen. The accountant has been accused of inflating Enron's profits. It didn't help when the first time he took the stand he pleaded the 555th Amendment.

Democrats asked for a Special Counsel to see if Enron manipulated California's electricity market last year. Suddenly they're in favor of Special Counsels. Ten bucks says the moment the guy's appointed, he goes after Bush the Elder for Iran-Contra.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton