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Andy Borowitz Archives

06/30/05: Competing with Canada, Mexico offers gay divorces
06/29/05: Tom Cruise bids farewell to Earth
06/23/05: No. 3 terrorist actually no. 9, bin Laden says
06/22/05: Reality-show producers facing severe shortage of real people
06/20/05: Scientologists call Tom Cruise ‘too weird’
06/15/05: Saddam requests Jacko's jury
06/15/05: Mike Tyson replaces Dean as DNC chief
06/08/05: Russell Crowe incident brings renewed call for phone control
06/03/05: Networks ask Jackson’s judge for new trial
06/02/05: Hal Holbrook to star in "W. MARK FELT TONIGHT!"
06/01/05: Scientists seek explanation for Paris Hilton
05/31/05: U.S. issues list of approved taunts for Guantanamo
05/27/05: Tom cruise declares love for Katie Holmes on al-Jazeera
05/24/05: Giacomo enters rehab
05/23/05: Saddam’s look-alikes protest underpants photos
05/19/05: Kerry threatens to talk for one hour
05/11/05: Derby winner launches fragrance
05/09/05: Runaway bride's spokesman vanishes
05/06/05: Kim Jong-Il fires Jacko into sea of Japan
05/05/05: Poll: Paula Abdul is evil incarnate Poll: Paula Abdul is evil incarnate
05/02/05: Bin Laden surfaces; was on the run from wedding for past four years Poll: Paula Abdul is evil incarnate 04/29/05: Millions flee Katie Couric
04/15/05: Britney's husband reproducing at an alarming rate
04/07/05: Bono's comment about Pope sets off chain reaction of strained metaphors
04/07/05: Shark attack postponed until slower news week
04/06/05: Queen Elizabeth battling Empty Nest Syndrome
04/05/05: Angry Cleveland Indians fans demand team take steroids
04/04/05: CIA's source of prewar intelligence says Brad and Jen are staying together
04/01/05: Border control jobs outsourced to Mexico
03/30/05: Mandela: Michael Jackson gives me strength
03/29/05: Harvard president agrees to wear dress for a year
03/25/05: Reporter retires; blames Barry Bonds
03/24/05: In bearish sign, Greenspan runs out on check at Sizzler
03/17/05: U.S. list of possible terror plots ‘not detailed enough,’ complains bin Laden
03/14/05: NCAA renames March Madness ‘March Bipolar Disorder‘
03/14/05: Networks refuse to air Bin Laden tape after finding no new information about Jackson case
03/10/05: In final broadcast, Rather reveals what the frequency is
03/09/05: Greenspan to head up U2
03/08/05: Syria says it wants to spend more time with its family
03/07/05: Martha's prison reports 12-month waiting list
03/04/05: Jacko says TV look-alike did it
03/01/05: Iran says it seeks to build nuclear-powered birdhouse
02/28/05: Canseco claims he injected Goldie Hawn with Botox
02/21/05: Majority of Americans already know Jamie Foxx’s Oscar speech by heart
02/16/05: North Korea claims it possesses Ben Affleck film
02/15/05: Poll: 100% of GOPers approve choice of Dean
02/14/05: Condi offers to give France Michael Moore
02/08/05: Iraqis paint fingers purple to pick up women
01/18/05: CIA attacks al-Qaeda with prescription drugs
01/12/05: Dean: Dems must pass torch to new generation of losers
01/06/05: 'Palestinians' rise up against Richard Gere
01/05/05: Steinbrenner's wallet tests positive for steroids
01/04/05: In effort to demoralize enemy, Rumsfeld holds pep rally for insurgents
12/31/04: Bin Laden issues New Year's resolutions
12/29/04: Paris Hilton vows to be more annoying in 2005
12/27/04: Stranded travelers informed that airline does not exist
12/23/04: Brawl erupts at Reindeer Games
12/21/04: Makers of crack issue safety warning
12/17/04: Bin Laden demands to be named TIME magazine's Person of the Year
12/13/04: Dems embark on fact-finding mission to NASCAR
12/13/04: Kerik: bin Laden was my gardener
12/08/04: Fearing attacks by athletes, fans take steroids
12/07/04: Tommy Thompson offers terrorists helpful food-contamination tips
12/06/04: Nader offers to lead Ukraine
12/01/04: In tearful resignation, Ridge admits he is color blind
11/30/04: Iran seeks permission to make teeny tiny nuclear weapons
11/29/04: Rather's resignation based on false information
11/23/04: NBA BANS FANS
11/19/04: Lincoln bedroom found in Clinton library
11/12/04: Peterson jurors no longer remember trial
11/11/04: Dems already focusing on losing in 2008
11/03/04: IT'S GORE!
11/02/04: Florida to decide election by show of hands
10/26/04: PETA seeks to ban animals from political ads after coyote eats ostrich
10/22/04: Steinbrenner acquires nuclear weapon
10/20/04: Poll: Americans evenly divided over which poll they believe
10/12/04: Nader plunges Afghan vote into chaos
10/11/04: Election cancelled; focus group in Ohio to pick president
10/04/04: Kerry: I will fix mount St. Helens
09/29/04: Debate transcript released one day early
09/24/04: CBS bans use of idiots
09/23/04: Angry Cat Stevens vows to resume singing
09/20/04: Kitty Kelley: Bush had affair with Sinatra
09/15/04: Kerry plans ‘December Surprise’
09/14/04: North Korea says explosion came from Cher concert
09/13/04: Election may not be close enough to wreck, Nader fears
08/18/04: Member of Village People admits he is governor of Idaho
08/16/04: McGreevey proposes tax cut for people living two lives
08/11/04: Greek security team fails to notice giant horse
07/30/04: Kerry's speech inspires Dems, drinking game
07/27/04: Bill, Hillary speak
07/08/04: Kerry vows to balance Edwards’ warmth and charm by being frosty and aloof
07/07/04: Athens officials admit they have not begun building stadium
07/06/04: Saddam vows to find ‘real killers’
07/01/04: John Edwards undergoes charisma-removal surgery
06/25/04: Majority of Kerry voters believe he is not Bush
06/23/04: Kerry-Gephardt meeting creates ominous black hole in universe
06/21/04: Saddam, Osama ‘just good friends’
06/17/04: Michael Moore wins Tour de France
06/16/04: Clinton’s promise not to upstage Kerry upstages Kerry
06/15/04: Kerry arrested for stalking McCain
06/02/04: Nader seeks presidency of Iraq
06/01/04: Kerry undecided on running mate, what to have for lunch
05/28/04: Gore nabbed outside White House with megaphone
05/11/04: Poll: Majority can no longer recall why they liked "Friends"
05/05/04: Saddam calls abuse ‘too little, too late’
04/29/04: Bin Laden warns Olsen twins
04/23/04: Saddam demands jury of megalomaniacs
04/22/04: ABC execs admit aiding TV-turnoff week
04/20/04: New Harry Potter book set in Bush White House
04/19/04: Osama: Piracy threatens terror-tape industry
04/05/04: Nader hires Tyco juror to run campaign
04/02/04: Life-size Kerry robot hits campaign trail
04/01/04: Melancholy Saddam longs to shut down a newspaper
03/31/04: Flip-flopping may have injured Kerry’s shoulder
03/30/04: Cruise, Cruz cite ‘irreconcilable spelling differences’
03/25/04: Jayson Williams' gun goes on three-state killing spree
03/23/04: Bush ignored phone messages from bin Laden
03/22/04: Al-Jazeera slaps Osama with 7-second delay
03/16/04: Kerry names foreign leader who supports him: His wife
03/15/04: Detroit Tigers exempted from steroid ban
03/10/04: Martha was framed, says O.J.
03/09/04: Angry gluttons march on McDonald's
03/03/04: Kucinich vows to stay in race for free food
03/02/04: Unemployed Hobbits rob 7-Eleven
02/27/04: Gore endorses Aristide
02/24/04: Nader endorses Nader
02/20/04: Steinbrenner buys Fenway Park
02/18/04: Dean claims he is winning in parallel universe
02/12/04: Gen. Clark admits he detests Madonna
02/10/04: Dean begs Gore to endorse Kerry instead
02/09/04: Ralph Nader considers wrecking 2004 election
01/30/04: James Brown to run Dean campaign
01/28/04: ‘Lord of the Rings’ wins Democratic nomination
01/27/04: French Mars probe surrenders
01/26/04: Kim Jung-Il terrified by Dean
01/23/04: Saddam's trial set for Modesto
01/08/04: BRITNEY BAR MITZVAHED!
12/31/03: Saddam’s brother Jermaine speaks out
12/18/03: Saddam's capture creates 3.7 million new jobs
12/17/03: Interrogators show saddam 'Trista and Ryan's wedding'
12/05/03: Poll: Soccer Moms feel taken for granted by NASCAR Dads
11/25/03: In rare show of unity, dems vow to defeat Dean
11/21/03: Jacko reporters trample Osama
11/17/03: Schwarzenegger postpones inauguration to fine-tune special effects
11/14/03: Jay Leno to host nation's first primary
11/12/03: Prince Charles admits taping makeover show
11/01/03: Kerry taps hairstylist to lead campaign
11/03/03: Kerry blames Dean for improving economy
10/31/03: David Blaine to go forty-four days without publicity
10/30/03: Solar flare briefly knocks out Sting’s ego
10/29/03: Furious Steinbrenner sends Yankees to Hell
10/27/03: Liza Minnelli seeks larger role in War on Terror
10/18/03: North Korea expels Iran from Axis of Evil; no longer evil enough, says Kim
10/17/03: In major setback, Kucinich receives endorsement from Chicago Cubs
10/07/03: Schwarzenegger admits praising O.J.
10/03/03: Schwarzenegger accused of groping for pronunciation
10/02/03: With Huffington out, Gary Coleman surges to 1%
10/01/03: Nostradamus: Cubs, Red Sox playoff berths mean end is near
09/19/03: Russia bans McCartney's post-Beatles work
09/17/03: Unemployment plunges as J. Lo rehires posse
09/04/03: Olsen twins to play Uday, Qusay in new miniseries
08/13/03: J. Lo out, Nemo in for Affleck's new film
08/08/03: Seabiscuit enters governor’s race
08/07/03: Kobe judge bans reporters from making idiotic "court" puns
08/05/03: Poll: majority call athletes their number one fear
08/04/03: J. Lo and Ben flee angry U.S.
07/22/03: No longer Jenny From the Block, J. LO concedes
07/21/03: Kobe Bryant coverage foils Kim Jung-Il's plot to blow up world
07/09/03: Spike Lee sued by Sara Lee: Filmmaker, pie-maker in new legal tussle
07/08/03: Voice purporting to be bin Laden disputes authenticity of voice purporting to be Saddam
07/07/03: Thousands of Saddams surrender
06/27/03: Saddam alive, well, and dating Demi
06/18/03: Harry Potter thieves spoil book's ending
06/17/03: CBS offers Rather’s job to Jessica Lynch
06/16/03: NYTimes admits serious errors in its weather forecasts
06/12/03: Waksal's prison lacks HBO, lawyers complain
06/11/03: As Hillary steals spotlight, Kim Jung-Il seethes
06/09/03: Iraqi information minister vows big changes at NYTimes
06/05/03: Martha Stewart recruiting look-alikes
05/30/03: Chirac calls for an end to French jokes
05/29/03: Peterson pleads temporary blondness
05/28/03: Dem hopefuls disappear
05/16/03: Weekly World News fires reporter over Batboy story
05/15/03: McDonald's plans to supersize seats, tables
05/07/03: Fearing flood of Dem hopefuls, Iowa steps up border patrols
05/05/03: Saddam, Osama threaten to stop writing letters if no one writes back
04/30/03: Wall Street firms pay $200 billion advance against future crimes
04/21/03: CNN, Fox promise 'orderly transition' to 24-hour Modesto murder coverage
04/15/03: Iraqi information minister moves to AOL/Time Warner
04/14/03: Looted plumbing fixtures named new Iraqi currency
04/11/03: Iraqis topple giant statue of Saddam look-alike
04/10/03: CHIRAC: VICTORY IS OURS! 04/04/03: Saddam no longer sure he is himself
04/02/03: Peter Arnett hired, fired by al Jazeera
04/01/03: Geraldo gives precise location of Peter Arnett
03/27/03: Army unit un-imbeds Geraldo
03/26/03: Iraq broadcasts half-eaten sandwich to prove Saddam is still alive
03/25/03: France vetoes chemical weapons find: Chirac vows to say no to everything, forever
03/21/03: "Are you Saddam?' premieres tonight
03/20/03: U.S. offers Saddam look-alikes amnesty, surgery to look like Cheney
03/18/03: 'Not the diplomatic solution I meant,' says Chirac
03/14/03: Unnamed Dem announces candidacy
03/13/03: Blair to Britain: Just kidding! Claims Iraq position was elaborate practical joke
03/07/03: Hollywood group protests war, lack of good roles for women over forty
03/04/03: Al Jazeera preempts Osama tape for Michael Jackson special
03/03/03: U.S. threatens to turn al Qaeda kingpin over to Bill O'Reilly
02/28/03: Blix: Saddam responded to Internet offer to make missile bigger
02/26/03: Saddam backs out of Bush debate; will debate Gore instead
02/20/03: Joe millionaire, Bachelorette to create mutant race of vapid idiots
02/19/03: Kim Jung-Il: I will prevail over Tiger Woods
02/13/03: Al-Jazeera refuses to air scary Kim Jung-Il tape
02/12/03: NATO disbands; will become book club
02/11/03: Mercedes-Benz recalls Sedans; cars may run over cheating husbands
02/10/03: Lose the scary sunglasses, Kim Jung-Il is urged
02/07/03: Michael Jackson admits plastic surgery; France unconvinced
02/06/03: Iraqis: We were talking about beer, not weapons
01/29/03: U.N. inspectors need 'more time' to find Dems
01/28/03: Saddam's look-alikes face uncertain future
01/27/03: Rumsfeld: France, Germany are 'so over'
01/24/03: Winona Ryder takes top prize at Sundance
01/23/03: U.S. asks Delta Airlines to lose suitcase bombs
01/22/03: U.S. would accept exile for Hans Blix
01/21/03: New AOL chief offered 1,000,000,000,000 hours free
01/17/03: Saddam: Chemical weapons were used to research movie role
01/16/03: Saddam quits; cites desire to spend more time with family
01/15/03: Kim Jung-Il angered by NFL officiating
01/14/03: Lieberman vows to be whiny voice for all Americans
01/09/03: Man, 41, regrets Daschle's decision not to run
01/07/03: Saddam calls weapons inspectors spies; spies demand apology
01/06/03: In bid for credibility, Raelian leader removes silly hair-knot from top of head
01/03/03: Ronald McDonald gets the axe; replaced by Calista Flockhart
01/02/03: Dick Clark: I am a clone
12/31/02: Kenneth Lay blasts Bush’s presidential pardons
12/30/02: Baby clone: I wasn't born yesterday
12/26/02: Big retailers report 5% jump in shoplifting
12/24/02: Lieberman vows to carry on Gore's boring legacy
12/19/02: North Korea urges farmers to grow missiles
12/18/02: Lott stands in front of Capitol with 'kick me' sign
12/17/02: Gore: I decided not to run in 2000, too
12/16/02: Coalition forms to stop Hugh Grant
12/12/02: North Korea fires minister of weapon-hiding
12/09/02: SUE THE BUMS!
12/05/02: Hosing sector remains strong
12/04/02: Greyhound reaffirms policy on bus drivers telling Taliban jokes
12/03/02: Microsoft buys Massachusetts
11/22/02: New tape may mean Al Gore is alive
11/21/02: Baby drops Michael Jackson from hotel balcony
11/20/02: Eminem enters anger-replenishment program
11/18/02: Jack Grubman admits hyping Toys 'R' Us stock in exchange for Chicken Dance Elmo
11/15/02: FBI and CIA agree to share the letter 'I': Congressional critics call agreement 'disappointing'
11/14/02: Voice on al Jazeera tape believed to be Rich Little
11/08/02: Daschle seeks leadership role at KFC
11/07/02: Saddam unimpressed by G.O.P. victory margin
11/06/02: Winning candidates to voters: "suckers!!!"
11/05/02: Politician accidentally airs positive ad
11/04/02: Queen Elizabeth exonerates Winona
11/01/02: Saddam hires Liza's hubby as liaison to weapons inspectors
10/30/02: Ken Lay to use 'method acting' defense
10/28/02: Angry white loner in van still on the loose, profilers warn
10/25/02: CNN asks public's help in finding new story
10/22/02: Saddam offers former prisoners plastic surgery to look like him
10/18/02: CBS Morning Show to go with ninety co-hosts
10/17/02: Obesity may be America's secret weapon in war on terror
10/16/02: Saddam trounces Gore in Iraqi election
10/15/02: Bin Laden seeking Botox, U.S. says
10/14/02: O.J. no longer "100% sure" he's innocent
10/11/02: Waging psychological warfare, U.S. drops VCR manuals on Iraq
10/10/02: Networks cancel sitcoms, dramas; will air Bush foreign policy speeches instead
10/08/02: Bin Laden removes his name from 'Osama' magazine
10/04/02: Downgrading of Lili wreaks damage in the millions for CNN, MSNBC
10/03/02: Yankees win divisional series for $175 million
10/02/02: New Jersey Democrats launch write-in campaign for Joe Piscopo
10/01/02: Torricelli quits senate race; will become corrupt CEO instead
09/30/02: U.N. to begin weapons inspections sometime between 8 and 12 this morning; asks Iraq if someone will be home
09/18/02: 'Monday Night Football' to air fights between fans instead of football
09/13/02: Airlines ban back-shaving on all domestic flights
09/10/02: Adam Sandler films on the increase, Center for Disease Control warns
09/09/02: GE still paying for Welch's crack, 'women'
09/06/02: Britney Spears' year off poses dire eco-threat
09/04/02: Air marshals defend 'controlled scaring' policy
09/03/02: Airlines to charge extra for airsickness bags
08/29/02: ABC admits it has no idea what it is doing
08/28/02: Steroid makers threaten strike
08/27/02: CNN urges U.S. not to invade Iraq until sweeps
08/26/02: Gore travels U.S. dressed as hobo
08/23/02: Sharks bemoan lack of summer media coverage
08/22/02: Clinton to star in 'C.S.I.' spin-off for CBS
08/20/02: CIA asks CNN to find Osama
08/14/02: Beer drinking promotes longer life, say drunken pilots
08/07/02: Copycat miners trap selves for movie deal
07/31/02: Angelina Jolie, Billy Bob Thornton unlikely to find equally icky new mates
07/24/02: As markets crash, the world asks: Where is Bono?
07/22/02: Time Warner admits it was high on crack when it merged with AOL
07/19/02: Poll: Most Americans believe they have already seen newHarrison Ford film
07/15/02: Brokerage houses to enclose Prozac with monthly statements
07/12/02: Baseball takes bold steps to alienate remaining fans
07/09/02: Michael Jackson accuses Sony Music chief of stealing his nose
07/03/02: CIA using American CEOs to infiltrate al Qaeda
06/13/02: Victims of Eminem's latest verbal assaults agree to mend their ways
06/10/02: June 17 named 'Athletes Obey the Law Day'
05/29/02: Bush urges CIA to pretend FBI agents are Russian spies
05/28/02: U.S. issues list of 5,000 bad things that might happen someday
05/22/02 Depression screening reveals: 98% of Americans depressed
05/20/02 Woody Allen sightings up sharply in 2002
05/16/02 Carter, in Wisconsin, sees no evidence of cheese
05/09/02 Showing commitment to democracy, Pakistan's leader runs negative ads against himself
05/07/02 Bush to dump cheney, run with Ozzy Osbourne in '04
05/06/02 'Spider-Man' film riddled with inaccuracies, says man with way too much time on his hands
05/02/02 Arafat placed under house arrest with former Sotheby's exec
05/01/02 Minnelli marriage enters Day 47, baffling experts
04/30/02 Saudis increase production of bossy foreign policy lectures
04/25/02: AlGore regrets breakdancing incident
04/23/02: Geraldo declares war on terrorism 'over'
04/22/02: O.J. calls Robert Blake murder case 'derivative'
04/19/02: Ally McBeal goes on eating rampage
04/18/02: In latest doctored tape, Osama appears at Liza Minnelli's wedding
04/17/02: Segway creator invents 'round thingy'
04/16/02: Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar to appear on VH1's 'where are they now?'
04/12/02: Ken Lay declares moral bankruptcy
04/10/02: FAA pronounces 'runaway plane' experiment a success
04/10/02: Rukeyser, Koppel to launch 'Angry Old Bums network'
04/09/02: Oprah closes book club, opens pie club
04/08/02: Fearing request to go to Afghanistan, Phil Donahue flees to MSNBC
04/05/02: Halle Berry still sobbing uncontrollably
04/02/02: Baseball players strike
04/01/02: Laughter no longer the best medicine
03/31/02: U2's Bono proposes sweeping social security overhaul
03/26/02: NBC to air ads for crack
03/19/02: Celebrity boxing, Minnelli wedding spark fears of national has-been shortage
03/18/02: In latest mix-up, bin Laden receives Minnesota driver's license
03/15/02: ROSIE: I'M A POLAR BEAR
03/13/02: Gore loses bid to run 'shadow government'
03/11/02: Condit blows job interview with Blockbuster Video
03/08/02: Comedians demand Condit recount
03/07/02: Jennings out, J-Lo in at ABC News
03/06/02: Dennis Miller takes obscure, hard-to-understand parting shot at ABC
03/05/02: Pentagon, shutting down lying office, will shift lie-telling duties to other government agencies
03/04/02: Britney Spears is not a girl
02/28/02: Katie Couric demands that 'Today' start at noon
02/26/02: Paper that Enron stock is printed on is worthless, too, paper experts say
02/21/02: Kenneth Lay to head Pentagon's global lying effort
02/20/02: Johnny Cochran: 'Walker was framed!'
02/14/02: 'Friends' cast 900 times more talented than Sir Laurence Olivier, experts say
02/13/02: Athlete without compelling personal drama expelled from Olympics
02/11/02: In major gaffe, Mrs. Kenneth Lay appears on MTV's "Cribs"
02/07/02: CIA using Mariah Carey film in Al Qaeda interrogations
02/04/02: Tyson to fight himself in Japan
02/01/02: NFL PLANS TO FIRE MARIAH CAREY DURING NATIONAL ANTHEM
01/30/02: CLINTON DELIVERS FIRST 'STATE OF CHAPPAQUA' ADDRESS
01/21/02: OSAMA GIVES GERALDO THE SLIP
01/17/02: QUEEN ELIZABETH CAUGHT SMOKING POT
01/15/02: ENRON MAY NOT BE BIGGEST CROOKS IN HISTORY, EXPERT SAYS
01/11/02: U.S. ATTEMPTS TO LURE OSAMA WITH AD IN PERSONALS

© 2003, Andy Borowitz