Jewish World Review May 7, 2002 /25 Iyar, 5762
Bush to dump cheney, run with Ozzy
Osbourne in '04
'No [Bleeping] Way!' Says Outraged Veep
G.O.P. strategists are urging President Bush to dump Vice-President Dick Cheney
from the 2004 Republican ticket and run with Ozzy Osbourne instead, citing the
addled rock star's superior poll numbers.
A new survey of likely voters shows that Mr. Osbourne is now the most popular
public figure in America, trouncing his nearest rival, Spider-man, a fictitious
The poll results suggest that Americans have little or no concern about Mr.
Osbourne's fitness for the second-highest office in the land, despite his apparent
inability to operate a TV remote or replace a garbage can liner.
But aides to Mr. Cheney say that the Vice-President is not about to be replaced by
the shuffling, dazed-looking rocker without a fight.
Mr. Cheney sprang into action on Monday, inviting MTV cameras into his secure
undisclosed location to film a new documentary-style series about him and his
family, "The Cheneys."
The footage shows the Cheney children exchanging volleys of raw expletives with
the Vice-President's wife Lynne V. Cheney, a Senior Fellow at the American
"We can [bleeping] drill for [bleeping] oil in Alaska if we [bleeping] feel like it!" Mrs.
Cheney can be heard saying at one point.
But the biggest surprise for viewers may be Dick Cheney himself, who appears
throughout the program in a sleeveless black vest, his biceps tattooed with the
corporate logo of the Halliburton Company, the petroleum concern he used to head.
"I never thought I'd say this, but Dick Cheney is actually in better shape than Ozzy,"
one aide said.
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz