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Jewish World Review Sept. 10, 2002 / 4 Tishrei, 5763

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Adam Sandler films on the increase, Center for Disease Control warns

'Major outbreak' of seven films expected in next twelve months | The Center for Disease Control warned today that the nation should prepare itself for a "major outbreak" of films starring the comedian Adam Sandler, with as many as seven Sandler films expected in the next twelve months.

While it is unusual for the CDC to issue a warning about upcoming film releases, officials at the agency said that the Sandler threat was serious enough to warrant taking extraordinary action.

"The greatest risk at this point would be to do nothing, Sandler-wise," a CDC spokesman in Atlanta said.

While Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge would make no official comment on the CDC's announcement, insiders said that some thought was being given to issuing color-coded Sandler alerts to warn the public of the impending release of one of the comedian's goofy comedies.

But critics say that the CDC's actions may serve no public health benefit and may only panic moviegoers in the weeks and months ahead.

"We've seen similar so-called 'epidemics' in the past," said Dr. David Garson, an outspoken critic of the CDC's Sandler policy. "There was a time when you couldn't turn around without seeing a new release from Bruce Willis or Arnold Schwarznegger. These things have a way of running their course."

But in a sign that the CDC has no intention of changing its better-safe-than-sorry policy, the agency issued a separate alert today about the television networks' upcoming fall season.

According to the CDC statement, an "alarming increase" in the number of police dramas on the networks' fall schedules means that for the first time since record-keeping began, America will have more cop shows than cops.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


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08/26/02: Gore travels U.S. dressed as hobo
08/23/02: Sharks bemoan lack of summer media coverage
08/22/02: Clinton to star in 'C.S.I.' spin-off for CBS
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08/07/02: Copycat miners trap selves for movie deal
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07/22/02: Time Warner admits it was high on crack when it merged with AOL
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07/15/02: Brokerage houses to enclose Prozac with monthly statements
07/12/02: Baseball takes bold steps to alienate remaining fans
07/09/02: Michael Jackson accuses Sony Music chief of stealing his nose
07/03/02: CIA using American CEOs to infiltrate al Qaeda
06/13/02: Victims of Eminem's latest verbal assaults agree to mend their ways
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05/28/02: U.S. issues list of 5,000 bad things that might happen someday
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04/25/02: AlGore regrets breakdancing incident
04/23/02: Geraldo declares war on terrorism 'over'
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04/18/02: In latest doctored tape, Osama appears at Liza Minnelli's wedding
04/17/02: Segway creator invents 'round thingy'
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04/10/02: FAA pronounces 'runaway plane' experiment a success
04/10/02: Rukeyser, Koppel to launch 'Angry Old Bums network'
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04/01/02: Laughter no longer the best medicine
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03/19/02: Celebrity boxing, Minnelli wedding spark fears of national has-been shortage
03/18/02: In latest mix-up, bin Laden receives Minnesota driver's license
03/13/02: Gore loses bid to run 'shadow government'
03/11/02: Condit blows job interview with Blockbuster Video
03/08/02: Comedians demand Condit recount
03/07/02: Jennings out, J-Lo in at ABC News
03/06/02: Dennis Miller takes obscure, hard-to-understand parting shot at ABC
03/05/02: Pentagon, shutting down lying office, will shift lie-telling duties to other government agencies
03/04/02: Britney Spears is not a girl
02/28/02: Katie Couric demands that 'Today' start at noon
02/26/02: Paper that Enron stock is printed on is worthless, too, paper experts say
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02/20/02: Johnny Cochran: 'Walker was framed!'
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02/13/02: Athlete without compelling personal drama expelled from Olympics
02/11/02: In major gaffe, Mrs. Kenneth Lay appears on MTV's "Cribs"
02/07/02: CIA using Mariah Carey film in Al Qaeda interrogations
02/04/02: Tyson to fight himself in Japan

© 2002, Andy Borowitz