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Jewish World Review Oct. 27, 2003 / 1 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Liza Minnelli seeks larger role in War on Terror


Will terrify the terrorists, diva promises

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Singer/actress Liza Minnelli said today that she is looking for a larger role in the war on terror, setting off a bidding war between the CIA and the Pentagon for her services.


Speaking to reporters in Manhattan, Ms. Minnelli said that the U.S. needs someone to “terrify the terrorists” and suggested that she was the perfect person for the job.


“Has the government slapped these terrorists around on the head? Has it drunk vodka until it became ten times stronger? Has it screamed obscenities at the top of its lungs until the terrorists cowered under their beds and said, ‘Liza, stop it, stop it!’” Ms. Minnelli asked.


Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who recently questioned whether the U.S. military was equipped to fight the war on terror, said today that with Ms. Minnelli on board the balance of power would shift “dramatically” to the U.S. side.


But CIA Director George Tenet said that Ms. Minnelli should work for his agency and not the Pentagon, arguing, “One of the CIA's weapons in this fight is psychological torture, and no one has more expertise in that field than Liza Minnelli.”


In other news, sniper suspect John Muhammad stepped down as his own attorney today, opting instead to perform brain surgery on himself as his own doctor.


Mr. Muhammad, acting as a spokesman for Mr. Muhammad, said that his client was “optimistic” about the prospects of operating on himself, adding that he would be assisted in the complicated surgical procedure by another surgeon, Dr. John Muhammad.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

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© 2003, Andy Borowitz