JWR Schticks and groans

Home
In this issue
April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review March 14, 2005 / 3 Adar II, 5765

Networks refuse to air Bin Laden tape after finding no new information about Jackson case

By Andy Borowitz


Printer Friendly Version
Email this article

Madman Frustrated By Lack of Airtime, Sources Say



http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The twenty-four-hour news networks today announced that they decided not to broadcast the latest video by al-Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden after determining that the tape contained no new information about the Michael Jackson case.

Moments after the video was delivered to all of the networks late Wednesday night, news executives examined it thoroughly for tidbits about the self-styled King of Pop's trial before being giving it a unanimous thumbs-down.

According to one source, "We have an obligation as news people to give our audience the latest information about Michael Jackson's case, and Mr. Bin Laden's latest effort falls well below those standards."

Those who viewed the tape said that while it contained some interesting information, including specific details about future terror plots and Mr. bin Laden's precise location, it did not even touch on the trial currently underway in Santa Maria, California.

Donate to JWR


It was the second setback in as many weeks for Mr. Bin Laden, who last week saw one of his terror tapes preempted by wall-to-wall coverage of Martha Stewart's release from prison.

According to a source close to Mr. Bin Laden, the news media's fascination with celebrity trials has done more to disrupt the al-Qaeda leader's attempts to communicate with his followers than the combined efforts of the FBI and the CIA.

"The only good news Osama's gotten lately was when Kobe settled out of court," the source said.

Elsewhere, small cars fare worse than big ones in side-impact crashes, according to a new study published in "Duh" magazine.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in Washington and the media consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

BOROWITZ'S LATEST
"The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers"  

This book has page after page of "news stories" too hot, too controversial, too   —   yes, shocking   —   for the mainstream press to handle. Sales help fund JWR.



Andy's Archives



Comment by clicking here.


JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.



© 2005 Andy Borowitz