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Jewish World Review March 14, 2005 / 3 Adar II, 5765 Networks refuse to air Bin Laden tape after finding no new information about Jackson case By Andy Borowitz
Madman Frustrated By Lack of Airtime, Sources Say
Moments after the video was delivered to all of the networks late Wednesday night, news executives examined it thoroughly for tidbits about the self-styled King of Pop's trial before being giving it a unanimous thumbs-down.
According to one source, "We have an obligation as news people to give our audience the latest information about Michael Jackson's case, and Mr. Bin Laden's latest effort falls well below those standards."
Those who viewed the tape said that while it contained some interesting information, including specific details about future terror plots and Mr. bin Laden's precise location, it did not even touch on the trial currently underway in Santa Maria, California.
It was the second setback in as many weeks for Mr. Bin Laden, who last week saw one of his terror tapes preempted by wall-to-wall coverage of Martha Stewart's release from prison.
According to a source close to Mr. Bin Laden, the news media's fascination with celebrity trials has done more to disrupt the al-Qaeda leader's attempts to communicate with his followers than the combined efforts of the FBI and the CIA.
"The only good news Osama's gotten lately was when Kobe settled out of court," the source said.
Elsewhere, small cars fare worse than big ones in side-impact crashes, according to a new study published in "Duh" magazine.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2005 Andy Borowitz
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