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Jewish World Review March 9, 2005 / 28 Adar I, 5765 Greenspan to head up U2 By Andy Borowitz
Becomes Lead Singer as Bono Leaves for World Bank
In filling the key position with the platinum-selling musical act, Mr. Greenspan is replacing U2 lead singer Bono, who is rumored to be heading for the top job at the World Bank.
Mr. Greenspan struck many observers as an unlikely choice to assume such an important role in one of the world's most influential rock bands, since his convoluted and often cryptic use of the English language seems incompatible with the more straightforward demands of rock music.
Reportedly, the former Fed chairman has already rewritten the lyrics of one of U2's most famous songs, "With or Without You," to read, "Going forward, the cost of my living with or without you may exceed my capacity to fulfill any reasonable expectations of success in either or both of those endeavors."
Dexter Tolan, who monitors the Fed and the recording industry for Credit Suisse First Boston, said that he was "dumbfounded" by the choice of Greenspan to head U2: "I really thought the job was going to go to [former Treasury Secretary] Paul O'Neill."
But unlike some of Mr.Greenspan's critics, Mr. Tolan does not believe that, at age 79, the former Fed chief is "too old" to be a rock star: "Being 79 certainly hasn't hurt Mick Jagger."
Elsewhere, Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher was forced to resign after an affair with a female employee went $2.4 billion over budget.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2005 Andy Borowitz
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