Jewish World Review Oct. 16, 2002 / 10 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763
Saddam trounces Gore in Iraqi election
Former Veep's quixotic campaign garners meager .006%
Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein brushed back former Vice President Al Gore's
dark-horse challenge in yesterday's national election in Iraq, with the former veep
drawing a disappointing .006% of the vote.
Mr. Gore, who had publicly questioned the wisdom of using military force to achieve
regime change in Iraq, had hoped that his quixotic campaign for the presidency of
that rogue state would be a successful alternative to oust Saddam.
But with exit polls showing that Mr. Gore's campaign never really caught on with Iraqi
voters, who found Mr. Gore "wooden" and "phony", Gore-watchers said today that the
former veep made several crucial errors in his run against Saddam -- goofs that
doomed his electoral quest almost from the start.
"We were all telling him that he should move his campaign headquarters from
Knoxville to Baghdad, but he wouldn't listen," said one Gore adviser late last night.
"Plus, it was a mistake to try to run against Saddam's environmental record," the
adviser said. "Voters in Iraq are more worried about winding up in Saddam's torture
chambers than they are about logging, which was all Al wanted to talk about."
"We kept saying, 'It's the torture chambers, stupid,' but he just stuck his fingers in his
ears and went 'la, la, la, I can't hear you,'" the adviser said.
Meanwhile, Mr. Gore was expected to spend a few weeks resting before regrouping
for a run at yet another coveted prize: the championship of "American Idol II," the
televised pop singing contest.
While Mr. Gore has virtually no pop singing experience, the adviser said, "at this
point it's really important for Al to win something."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz