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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Feb. 21, 2005 / 12 Adar I, 5765

Majority of Americans already know Jamie Foxx’s Oscar speech by heart

By Andy Borowitz


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Millions Await Awards Night With Fear, Dread



http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | With one week until the 77th Academy Awards ceremony in Hollywood, a new poll reveals that a majority of Americans already know Best Actor nominee Jamie Foxx's acceptance speech by heart.

According to the poll, 68% of all Americans have either seen Mr. Foxx accept trophies given by the Golden Globes and the Screen Actors Guild or heard his tribute to Ray Charles at Sunday's Grammy Awards and now believe they can recite his entire Oscar speech in their sleep.

Even more astoundingly, 85% say that they could deliver at least one part of Mr. Foxx's acceptance speech verbatim, such as the aphorism, "Just keep doing what you're doing — if you win or if you lose — just keep walking in the same direction."

While most of those surveyed say they admired Mr. Foxx's performance in the film "Ray," they still await his eventual Oscar speech with a mixture of fear and dread.

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In Washington, new homeland security secretary Michael Chertoff held an emergency press conference to call the probability of Mr. Foxx delivering a tearful Oscar acceptance speech "severe."

Advising Americans to "remain calm," he said that "there are simple things each of us can do to protect ourselves" from Jamie Foxx's acceptance speech.

Chertoff advised that every family seal off one room in their house with duct tape and plastic sheeting, "and when Jamie Foxx begins speaking, go into that room."

Elsewhere, President Bush announced that Iraq's national motto will be, "Come for the weapons of mass destruction, stay for the democracy.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.



© 2005 Andy Borowitz