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Jewish World Review Feb. 21, 2005 / 12 Adar I, 5765 Majority of Americans already know Jamie Foxx’s Oscar speech by heart By Andy Borowitz
Millions Await Awards Night With Fear, Dread
According to the poll, 68% of all Americans have either seen Mr. Foxx accept trophies given by the Golden Globes and the Screen Actors Guild or heard his tribute to Ray Charles at Sunday's Grammy Awards and now believe they can recite his entire Oscar speech in their sleep.
Even more astoundingly, 85% say that they could deliver at least one part of Mr. Foxx's acceptance speech verbatim, such as the aphorism, "Just keep doing what you're doing — if you win or if you lose — just keep walking in the same direction."
While most of those surveyed say they admired Mr. Foxx's performance in the film "Ray," they still await his eventual Oscar speech with a mixture of fear and dread.
In Washington, new homeland security secretary Michael Chertoff held an emergency press conference to call the probability of Mr. Foxx delivering a tearful Oscar acceptance speech "severe."
Advising Americans to "remain calm," he said that "there are simple things each of us can do to protect ourselves" from Jamie Foxx's acceptance speech.
Chertoff advised that every family seal off one room in their house with duct tape and plastic sheeting, "and when Jamie Foxx begins speaking, go into that room."
Elsewhere, President Bush announced that Iraq's national motto will be, "Come for the weapons of mass destruction, stay for the democracy.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2005 Andy Borowitz
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