Jewish World Review July 12, 2002 /3 Av, 5762
Baseball takes bold steps to alienate
Commissioner Selig Declares All Future Games 'A Tie'
Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced today that Major League Baseball is
about to take a series of bold steps with the stated goal of alienating its remaining
"At baseball stadiums across the country, it is too hard to find parking spots, and
one must wait on long lines for beer and bathrooms," Mr. Selig said. "All of these
problems have the same source: simply put, the sport has too many fans."
As Mr. Selig's first step in his plan to achieve contraction of baseball's fan base, the
commissioner declared all games to be played for the remainder of the 2002
season a tie.
"The score's tied, fans, so please, don't watch the game," Mr. Selig said. "Watch
wrestling or NASCAR instead."
In addition, Mr. Selig said, it would now take nine strikes to strike out a batter instead
of the traditional three, a rule-change aimed at making the average game six and a
half hours long.
These changes, along with the outlawing of home runs and stolen bases, should
reduce baseball's popularity to the level of badminton or curling, Mr. Selig promised.
In addition, the Commissioner said, the traditional seventh-inning stretch will now
entail the playing of a thirty-minute section from rocker Lou Reed's album "Metal
Machine Music," during which time stadium ushers will move about the stands,
poking spectators with sharp sticks.
In related news, Mr. Selig praised the Cleveland Indians organization for a series of
recent cost-cutting moves which have transformed a once dominant team into an
unwatchable train wreck.
Earlier today, the Indians announced that they were trading their last two remaining
stars, shortstop Omar Vizquel and slugger Jim Thome, for a pack of Juicy Fruit
chewing gum and a really cool Hot Wheels car.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz