Jewish World Review April 2, 2002 / 20 Nisan, 5762
Baseball players strike
Demand 'Extra Payment' For Running to First Base
With the new baseball season barely underway, major league players went on
strike today over what some observers are calling the most divisive issue to hit the
game in years: the right to be paid extra for running to first base.
"For years, baseball players have been running to first base for free - and we're fed
up," said players' rep Ted Cooley in a press briefing in Anaheim, California
"It is high time that the owners stop treating us like indentured servants and start
treating us like the entitled millionaires that we are," Cooley said.
Under the formula presented by the players' union, a player would receive $1000
extra for running to first base, $5,000 for running to second, $10,000 for running to
third, and $25,000 for running home.
In addition, ATM machines would be posted at all four bases so that players could
receive their so-called "base-running surcharge" in a timely fashion.
Predictably, the owners responded to the players' strike demands with howls of
"If the players want to get paid extra for what they do, then we owners should get
paid extra for what we do, which is absolutely nothing," one owner said.
To bolster their objections, the owners released a sobering report that predicted that
by the year 2009, the price of an average baseball ticket would soar to $8,000, not
including parking or peanuts.
The report drew an immediate reaction from players' rep Ted Cooley.
"If the owners are going to start charging $8000 a ticket," he said, "we want to get
paid extra for
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz