Jewish World Review April 14, 2003 / 12 Nisan, 5763
Looted plumbing fixtures named new
Showerheads replace dinars on world markets
In an effort to stabilize the war-torn Iraqi economy, U.S. interim administrators led by
retired general Jay Garner have named looted plumbing fixtures the new official Iraqi
currency, General Garner revealed today.
"Once the world comes to recognize looted plumbing fixtures as Iraq's official
currency, citizens of Iraq will be able to use looted sinks, showerheads and
bathtubs in all everyday transactions," General Garner said. "This is an important
step on the road back to normalcy."
On world currency markets, the value of looted Iraqi plumbing fixtures soared on the
news while the former Iraqi currency, the dinar, plunged.
At the close of trading today, the new Iraqi currency was trading at 2.8 showerheads
to the Euro.
Fearing that instituting the U.S. dollar as the new Iraqi currency would "send the
wrong message," the Garner team decided on looted plumbing fixtures instead
because, as one administrator explained, "In Baghdad today, ripping a plumbing
fixture out of a wall is easier than going to an ATM."
In another move designed to stabilize the Iraqi economy, the U.S. dispatched to
Baghdad today a "special looting task force" of former executives from Enron, Tyco
and WorldCom to "pre-loot" Iraqi businesses, thus making them less attractive to
the rampaging mob.
Within hours of touching down at Baghdad airport, the corporate looting team
reported "significant progress," having driven over one hundred Iraqi businesses
In other looting news, President Bush said today that he regretted the looting of
antiquities from the National Museum of Iraq in Baghdad, but added, "Together with
our coalition partners, we will help the people of Iraq create new antiquities."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to
Surviving in Prison and
"Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2003, Andy Borowitz