|
|
Jewish World Review March 10, 2005 / 29 Adar I, 5765 In final broadcast, Rather reveals what the frequency is By Andy Borowitz
Closes Book on Decades-long Mystery
"Friends, years ago, a gentleman accosted me on the street in Manhattan and asked me, 'What is the frequency, Kenneth?'" the longtime anchor said at the end of the broadcast Wednesday night. "Tonight, I would like to answer that question once and for all."
"For the past twenty-four years, I have used these broadcasts to send thought-control brainwaves through your TV sets," the veteran newsman continued. "In order to receive those signals, your brain had to be tuned to a frequency of 102.7 — and that, my friends, is the frequency."
But Mr. Rather saved his most startling bombshell for last: "My name is not, nor has it ever been Dan Rather — it's Kenneth."
Mr. Rather than held up a birth certificate showing the name "Kenneth Charles Doobin" before signing off the air with a simple, "Courage."
The anchor's final broadcast, widely considered the most perplexing of his storied career, became even more controversial after several leading document experts noticed that the ink on the supposedly 73-year-old birth certificate was still wet and running down the page.
The retiring CBS anchor issued a brief statement in which he chose not to address the controversy, merely saying that he was looking forward to his new job as an Afghan mujahideen.
Elsewhere, in a sign that democracy is continuing to spread in the Middle East, Lebanon scheduled its first elections for April and its first sex scandal for June.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in Washington and the media consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2005 Andy Borowitz
| |||||||||||
