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Jewish World Review
May 2, 2005
/ 23 Nissan, 5765
Bin Laden surfaces; was on the run from wedding for past four years
World's most wanted man a runaway bridegroom, he tearfully admits
Al-qaeda terror mastermind Osama bin Laden surfaced today at a bus station in Peshwar, Pakistan, where he revealed that he has been on the run from an impending wedding for the past four years.
A tearful Mr. bin Laden admitted that he had been moving from location to location in the mountainous region on the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan not to elude authorities, as most had assumed, but rather to avoid a wedding to a fifth wife originally scheduled for May 2001.
For the thousands of military and law enforcement personnel involved in the manhunt for Mr. bin Laden, the news that the world's most wanted man was actually a runaway bridegroom came as a total shock.
"In all of the videos and intercepted chatter we have analyzed over the past four years, Osama bin Laden gave the distinct impression that he was waging a campaign of terror against the U.S. and the West," Mr. Rumsfeld said. "It is now becoming clear that this was all a smokescreen to mask his true agenda - avoiding getting married."
In an interview with reporters, the tearful madman admitted that the pressures of planning a formal wedding with over 200 terrorist guests caused him to crack under pressure.
"I know this isn't a good excuse, but catering a wedding that size in an underground cave was a logistical nightmare," he said.
Elsewhere, Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe announced that she had sold the exclusive rights to the story of her marriage to the Sci-fi Channel.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2005, Andy Borowitz
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