Jewish World Review Oct. 1, 2002 / 25 Tishrei, 5763
Torricelli quits senate race; will
become corrupt CEO instead
Senator to focus on being private sector sleazebag
Senator Robert Torricelli (D-NJ) abandoned his re-election bid yesterday, saying he
hoped to realize a lifelong dream of being the disgraced CEO of a publicly held
"I think I have a lot to give the private sector - and a lot to take, too," Senator Torricelli
told a crowd of supporters in Trenton.
Senator Torricelli's decision to become a private sector sleazebag is particularly
well-timed, corporate headhunters say, because so many corporate sleazebags are
either already in prison or heading there, resulting in a serious sleazebag shortage
in the nation's executive suites.
"By accepting illegal campaign gifts, Senator Torricelli has already demonstrated
that he has the skill-set necessary to be a truly dynamic CEO sleazebag," says Jake
Hennessy of the leading sleazebag headhunting firm Weasel Systems, Inc.
"I should think that publicly held companies will be lining up around the block for the
privilege of having Senator Torricelli rob them blind," Mr. Carson says.
Senator Torricelli would neither confirm nor deny rumors that he was headed for the
CEO chair soon to be vacated by scandal-shrouded domestic diva Martha Stewart,
brushing aside the question of a reporter who claimed to have seen him wearing an
apron at a Manhattan TV studio, stuffing a pheasant and making heated calls to his
Instead, Senator Torricelli said he would take a few weeks off before jumping into
the demanding world of private sector sleaze.
"I'd like to take a vacation, spend some time with my family, and move my remaining
campaign funds out of the country," Senator Torricelli said.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz